Until We Meet Again.....

Gemma Hope

10-11-12
23 weeks, 4 days

So Perfect....Yet.......

Mama, 5 months, 1 day

Looking like a candy corn and feeling like eating candy corn.

(I feel much bigger than this picture make me look.)

18  weeks 

Little hands and cute cheeks.

20 weeks

Pretty, pretty face.

20 weeks

Profile with arms and hands.

I cried off and on all day before our big 20 week ultrasound appointment. We were going to find out if little Gemma Hope's heart was formed properly along with other organs. I just get a little anxious anticipating what we will find out at these appointment, yet I can't get enough information and facts about Gemma. I want to know everything about her whether it is good or bad.

We watched patiently as the technician did her job. Watching the red and blue flash on the screen not really knowing what any of it meant. Did blue mean bad, did red mean bad? Then she explained that red meant blood flow in and blue meant blood flow out of the heart. She then told us she did not see any obvious defects in Gemma's heart. The Dr. told us the same thing. Gemma has all of the indicators of healthy organs. Her brain, bladder, heart and kidney's. This was great news to us. They only bit of good news we have received in the past 5 months. 

We pray that Gemma's Hygroma and Hydrops will start to heal and go away everyday. Knowing for Gemma to grow and develop properly she needs to start getting better. This is not the week Gemma has begun her healing. Gemma's Hygroma has doubled in size in the past two weeks, her hydrops has taken over her chest cavity. Her heart is compressed and her lungs are tiny when they should fill her chest cavity. My amniotic fluid is less than it was two weeks ago. Despite my attempts to increase it by drinking tons of water. Turns out that does nothing unless you are really dehydrated. We saw all of this on the ultrasound screen. I never ask for those pictures. I don't have to. The image in ingrained in my brain forever. 

We believe we still have time for a miracle. Riding that wave between being realistic and being hopeful is a real crappy ride to be on. I am knitting a baby blanket and filling out my FMLA paper work  simultaneously just in case I find myself in the hospital at my next appointment.

I love Gemma and have loved her from the first second I knew about her. Then I loved her more. One day a wave came over me and I just fell in love with her. I just loved her all the way to the depths of my sole. I new right then and there that she was in me forever. That if something happened to her I would not be okay. That having her, loving her and loosing her would forever change me. I also know that I will be okay. That people go through really tough things and they are sad and they are okay, just different.

There was a time not long ago when I thought infertility was one of the worst things anyone could go through. Then I learned that it could get worse. So know matter what happens, I will always know that things could be worse. I won't make it hurt any less but I will be okay.

Babies First

Dr. Leigh must have communicated with Dr. Kennedy our confusion and displeasure with her bedside manner. Our last visit was a real pleasure. Dr. Kennedy sat down and took more time than she needed to with us. She even asked what we needed from her. I really just want to know the truth and the facts about our baby. She acknowledged that this must be so hard and that we were very brave. They know I will be asking for extra ultrasound pictures and took the time to get some special ones for us. Turns out they were even worse that last time. The pictures are barely recognizable and not charming in the least. She explained that the baby does not have as much amniotic fluid needed to swim around and get good feed back from the ultrasound. Great? I have been drinking tons of extra water and laying on my left side, doing everything possible to increase my fluid. At 19 weeks I am so close to being 5 months pregnant. I can't believe how fast the time is flying by and how amazing it is I have made it this far. Everyone keeps asking me if I feel the baby moving yet. I should be able to start feeling her any day now. While I have not, I am ever hopeful she is strong and able to move and I will feel her any time now.

I keeping thinking about the baby preparation I would have started doing by now but have been putting off until we "know more". Like painting the baby room, stroller shopping, crocheting her baby blanket and buying her little tiny clothes. Then I realized if did not do those things or buy her anything I would have real regrets if something happened to her. How sad I would be if I didn't have anything positive of her to reflect on. There is no going back now. My life is forever changed. No matter the outcome I will forever be the mother of little Gemma Hope. She is forever in my heart.

Destry and I agreed that we would buy her her first little outfit. We stopped at a little antique store while on a weekend drive. When I found this little vintage dress I new this would be our first baby purchase. I just fell in love with the pink and polk-a-dots. She probably won't even be able to wear it until she is two because she will be so tiny. I got tear in my eye when I made this purchase. I just could not help myself. That same weekend we found a fancy little baby boutique so we could get our hands on all the fancy strollers they have these days. We were surprised how lacking many of these strollers were and that there is only one real clear winner. To bad the colors are so lame. Seriously pale colors you know will get dirty right away. No deep plum, turquoise or deep apple green. I also took some time to order some skeins of wonderful soft cotton yarn so I could get started on her little blanket. One of my favorite things in the world is knitting and crocheting little baby items for my friends and family. Now that I can do that for my little baby I am not going to miss the opportunity.

Babies First Dress

Babies First Gifts from Grandma & Grandpa

Dr. Leigh is Good to Me

I had a dream last night that I was in labor... all night. Julia Roberts & Howard Stern made and appearance in my dream. I even got mad because I had to clean the house while in labor before I went to the Hospital. These pregnancy dreams are really weird. To say the least, I did not get a restful night sleep last night. I can still feel the pain of labor.

With every new Dr. appointment I feel a sense of anxiety waiting and wondering how the baby is doing this week. I was excited to talk to Dr. Leigh and I was not disappointed. First she wheeled in the little ultrasound machine they have and we had a look see at the baby. She is getting big and almost filled the whole screen. I was at a funny angle and could not see the screen very well so I propped up my head and then asked her to raise the machine up because I could not see through her arm. She offered to just cut it off so I could see and  I was fine with that. We could see the baby move her little arms and legs, when Dr. Leigh said it was cute my heart just melted. It was cute. I am not sure why we have not seen much movement at our other appointments but she was really moving around today.

After we saw the baby was doing well and was OK I talked to Dr. Leigh about how I felt working with Dr. Kennedy. She said maybe I didn't understand what Dr. Kennedy's roll was in my pregnancy. She told me that Dr. Kennedy was there to consult with me during the initial diagnosis and if there are any changes in the future. Dr. Leigh is still my Dr. for this pregnancy. When Dr. Kennedy told me I did not have to come back it was because there have been no changes and there is nothing for her to consult on me with. Now, I did not know this. Dr. Kennedy is a high risk pregnancy Dr. I thought that meant me. It really means high risk mothers. She is a Dr. to women who have health problems that pregnancy could put them at risk. 

I have asked twice about my pregnancy plan and what my appointment will look like in the future and I was not clear how this was going to work. Maybe nobody new how this was going to pan out in the next few weeks, so nobody really new what the future was going to look like. Little Gemma has made it farther than expected since her diagnosis. So now we all can settle into a future plan and see how it goes.

The nurse gave me the paper work on how to get a social security card, birth certificate and stuff like that for the baby. We also were given a manual breast pump as part of the new health care initiative. I was not expecting these thing so early in the pregnancy. When the nurse left the room I started crying. I could not even look at them. When Destry asked me what was going on I choked out that we might not even need those things. It is really hard to be realistic and remain hopeful and positive at the same time. We are doing the best we can. Dr. Leigh said we don't know what will happen with this pregnancy. It is true. We don't know. She said she has seen all sorts of good and bad outcomes where Dr. Kennedy just see's the bad. I felt Dr. Leigh was really optimistic and I was so happy to find that she was still my Dr. and I would be able to continue to see her.

We left Dr. Leigh's office feeling really good like always.

Sometimes a Girl Just Needs Her Mom

It has been two weeks since we found out the Gemma's Hygroma was a symptom of her Turner's Syndrome. A diagnosis that just compounded her situation for the worse. We have had time to read and talk and research and wonder what all of this means. Now I just wanted my mom. We drove the three hours over the pass as the sun was going down. It glowed bright pink from the smoke of the wild fires. It was amazingly beautiful so we stopped and snapped some pictures along the way. We arrived late but that did not stop us from staying up late and just talking about Gemma and all about what she is going through and what that means for her future. Everyone has comments on how strong I am as I talk about this. I think it is because I don't know any different. This is my experience with pregnancy. I don't have a pregnancy to compare it to. So I don't know what I am missing. It is like the women who morn infertility as they try for their second baby. They know what they are missing when they can't have a second baby. 

Each ultrasound appointment I get a little more anxious. I just pray I have more time with her and her heart is still beating. The technician took many pictures and we could see the Hygroma from an angle we never saw before and we both new it was bigger. She asked me if I wanted a picture and she printed off this picture for us. While I appreciate the one eyed Halloween skeleton picture as she waves at us with one arm I was not charmed by it. Destry and I both thought we did not get a very good picture this time. The picture were so beautiful last time. I look at them and wish Gemma a good day and good health every morning. So after she left the room I thought about it a little and then started crying. This might be the last picture of her that we get. So I jumped up and went and found her. I was crying and telling her I was not happy with my picture, that this might be the only pictures of my baby I get. She ushered my back to the room and worked really hard to get me some better pictures. I was happier with some more pictures and I was glad she was open to helping me.

Gemma Hope, 16 weeks 1 day

(wave hello)

Afterword we waited for Dr. Kennedy in the exam rooms. She came in and told us the Hygroma and Hydrops looked worse. Then she told us that the social worker talked to her about us wanting to focus on the positive aspects of this pregnancy. Then, she said we did not have to come back to see her any more. She said I could just go to see Dr. Leigh to monitor the heart beat if I wanted. ????? I want to come back and I told her so. This is the only place I can get these wonderful level II ultrasound pictures. And at some point the babies heart is going to be big enough to see if it developing properly. I get the situation is dire but don't be so obvious that you don't have any hope. Five minutes later we were out of there. I scheduled my next two appointments. I will make sure I get the good pictures the first time around. At twenty weeks she will look at her little heart to see if it fully developed. As we walked to the car I realized how peeved I was. I really wanted to click with Dr. Kennedy but at this point I am not willing to put any more energy into it. I will be talking to Dr. Leigh next week. I am hopeful she can recommend another Dr. or a plan that will work for me. Until the next appointment in two weeks we wait.

We Love Her, We Want Her

I am not Cystic Hygroma.

I am not Hydrops.

I am not Turner's Syndrome.

I am Gemma Hope!

14 weeks 2 days

In love with her little legs.

In love with those little hands.

(That crater in her head is normal at this stage. Just in case you were wondering.)

The Wait is Over......... For Now

Destry and I boarded a plane Wednesday morning with great excitement. We were off to California to meet baby Isla for the first time. I could not wait to get my hands on my new little nice. I was not disappointed, she is the tiniest, most beautiful and perfect little baby girl.

Imagine my surprise when I got the call from the genetic counselor on Thursday announcing that my CVS test results had come back already. That was exactly one week from the original test. They had told me it would take two to three weeks for the results to come back. I never imagined they would come back so soon and I new that was not a good sign. I locked myself in a room as the genetic counselor told me my results came back positive for Turner's Syndrome. She was trying to tell me what Turner's Syndrome was and that with a Cystic Hygroma these babies often don't make it to term. When I said to her, so that means I am having a girl? Of course I am having a girl. I know that. I just really wanted someone to tell me I was having a baby girl, not that I has having Turner's. She mentioned I had time to decided what I wanted to do and scheduled a follow up ultrasound appointment for me. 

I shared the news with Destry. He had followed me in the room and was holding my hand the whole time. We cried and hugged and we new this meant more waiting and hoping. Then we had to walk out of the room with tears in our eyes and share the news with our waiting family. They were all sitting there waiting with nervous looks on their faces because I am sure they could hear me crying. I hate that I received this news when we were all together to greet little Isla into this world. I so did not want to take any attention away from this wonderful time with such confusing and uncertain news. I hate that everybody feels so bad about all of this. My hope is that with a little time our hearts will heal and we can all look forward with love, joy and excitement. I can just see it on everyone's face... the sorrow. That is why we have chosen not to tell our acquaintances at work. I really need the people around me to be so excited and happy for us and our baby. I have to work so hard to be strong I just can't be strong for everyone.

I cried all night and then all morning. Any surge of emotion that included tears triggers morning sickness and I really had not felt so sick my whole pregnancy. I carried a plastic bag with me all day because if I was going to throw up for the first time that was going to be that day. Then Dr. Leigh called. Said her heart was broken after all we had been through. Asked if we decided what we were going to do. When I told her at this point we were going to let nature take it's course she said that studies have shown that delayed decision making has been a good thing. I realize that we are really on our own when it comes to supporting this pregnancy. We are going to be seeking support from like minded people and professionals. I don't want to have to keep explaining that we really want this baby.

I don't know why this is happening to us. I am not a very religious person. Allowing my faith to guide me and giving this journey to god has been a relief to my spirit. I would be miserable if I spent my time trying to figure this out. Because there is not solid answers to this. I do know that this is God's baby and he has given us the honor of taking care of it. We are going to love and care for this baby girl for as long as god allows us. That night Destry and I gave our baby girl her name. We are excited to share some happy news.

We love you,

Gemma Hope

You will always be our little jewel, we have all the hope in the world for you.

I Reserve the Right to Change my Mind

I was surprised how accepting I was with going forward with a CVS test. I had thought that I was fully prepared to have a child with disabilities without any intervention. When I found out that our baby showed physical signs of problems I immediately wanted to know what it was. I realized that it was much more complex than just imagining that we would love our baby no matter what. I imagined our baby could be like the cute Downs Syndrome kids you see bagging groceries at the store giving their co-workers high fives and say "Yah Buddy". Our baby could have serious heart or kidney problems. Our baby could have to have emergency surgery at the time of birth. Our baby could have organs growing outside of there body. We could have to delivery by cesarean do to the size of the growth. The list goes on. I feel it is important to know as much about our baby as we can right now so we can prepare and so the doctors helping us can have the best information available to treat our baby.

I was generally anxious about the appointment but I imagined the procedure would be similar to IUI. I checked in and went straight to the bathroom. Turns out I needed a full bladder for the procedure so they brought me a full glass of water and told me to drink. I felt bad for slowing them down because they really had to shuffle patients around to get me in this week. I lay there with everyone standing around me watching my bladder fill on the ultrasound screen. Finally the Dr gets started and inserts the speculum. OMG it hurt so bad Destry said I went white and thought I was going to pass out. I had her take it out, I shifted my pelvis down a little and we tried again. I think with a full bladder those muscles are so tight they just down't want to let go. I was fine after a minute. I would have stayed there for hours with a full bladder if we could continue to look at the baby on the screen. The Dr then said she dropped the cotton balls on the floor and would have to use the "scratchy" gauze pad to wipe off my cervix. I said, can't you get some more cotton balls. There has to be more cotton balls in this place. The nurse and assistant even commented at her description the the gauze pad. Turns out the gauze is not as "scratchy" as she described. I was able to see the catheter work it's way to my uterus on the screen and it was over before I new it. She showed me the sample and showed me what looked like good sample pieces. Then sent us to talk to the genetic counselor. She was quirky and sweet and told us nothing we didn't already know. I think her main goal was to discourage our request for the faster less reliable FISH testing. We conceded to wait the 2 to 3 weeks for the full results. Now we wait.

The baby was laying on it's side with it's back to us. We were not able to see the little legs and arms move around like last time. We did however get this super cool kind of weird little scull picture. 

We Need All Your Prayers

Baby 12 weeks 1 day

Destry and I went to our genetic ultrasound appointment with great anticipation. He was very confident and I was very nervous. We were called back right away, the technician got us all situated. We watched the screen with great excitement as we watched our little baby appear on the screen. There it was, the baby was moving it's little arms and kicking it's little legs then arching it's little back. It was so animated Destry could not believe that I could not feel it. It was very surreal. It is hard to believe your pregnant when you can not see or feel anything. Yet, there it was our little active baby, looking so wonderful and perfect to us.

The technician said very little to us. She was patient as she waited for the baby to get in just the right position to measure the skin on the back of the neck. She mentioned the baby had a nasal bone and that was good. After a time she left us to wait for the Dr. to come and talk to us with this little picture on the screen. I just stared at it the whole time I waited. There was the little measurement line still on the screen. It measured from the little crease in the babies neck straight down to the bottom of the placenta. I did not understand what that meant. I wondered why the measure the blank space. I did not ask why.

The Dr. came in and explained that my blood test had come back and showed no elevated risk for abnormalities. I said great but what did the ultrasound show. She explained that they measure the skin on the back of the neck. An above average measurement indicates a Cystic Hygroma. A Cystic Hygroma is an indicator for chromosomal abnormalities. Then she said my baby has that. I don't remember the exact measurement but instead of the skin being a few mm thick the measurement was almost an inch thick. You can clearly see in the picture the black space under the babies neck is a large cyst. In fact if you look you can see it in the previous ultrasound picture also.

The Dr. offered us a CVS test the same day. I was in such shock and trying so hard not to break down and cry that I passed on the test. I thought at the time that I would do an amnio test if I felt like that was the right thing to do in the future. The genetic counselor was busy with another patient so I took her number in case I wanted to talk to her later. We left and hugged and cried in the hallway then we went to eat some lunch. We went through all the normal feelings that you go through when you experience a trauma. 

When I let go of conventional fertility treatments I made a promise to myself and to God that I would have faith in his plan for me. That I would not try and play god anymore. That I would be the best me and the best wife I could be with or without children. Even though I do not understand why this is happening to us now after all we have been though. I do know that I don't have to understand. I just have to believe that this is the path we are meant to be on and have faith that good will come from this.

If god can give us one miracle he can give us two.

Babies First Pictures

4 weeks, Baby is size of a poppy seed.

   

6 weeks- Yolk Sack, Baby is the size of a lentil bean.

     

10 weeks- Babies head on the right. 

Those little spots over the body are arm and leg. 

Baby is the size of a kumquat.

Today we took the morning off from work for our 10 week appointment. I was scheduled to supply blood samples for our genetic testing and we scheduled out 13 week ultra-sound. At that point they will review all the test results together to determine our percentage of risk of having a baby born with disabilities.

I had to admit to Dr. Leigh that I was really anxious to find that everything was OK at this point. She agreed to do an ultrasound so we could see for our selves. At this point she was able to just put the ultrasound tool on my belly to see and measure the baby. We immediately saw a little black blob and a little baby body. But my fear made me blurt out "I don't see a heart beat." Dr. Leigh calmly said she needed to focus in first and when she did we could see a little flicker of a heart beat. 

Baby has a good strong heart beat and measure a full 11 weeks even though I am only 10 weeks and 4 days. Dr. assured me that at this point we would not change my due date. She said it like three times. I thought it was weird because I know exactly when I got pregnant and don't understand why three day growth difference at this point would change anything. 

It still seems unreal to me. I kept explaining on the ride to work my amazement that the baby was really there and growing. I really thought I would feel confident at this point to tell my friends at work. Yet, I found that I just reset my time line to after my 13 week ultrasound appointment. Maybe after a good night sleep I will feel more confident.

Sharing the Joy

We decided to share the news with our family members at seven weeks. It happens to be Fathers Day so it was a fun way to share the news. I am cautious to share so early in the pregnancy. This is such miraculous news and such a joyful time we can't keep it to ourselves. If the unavoidable happens I know I would tell family anyway. I just can't imagine telling them heartbreaking news with out having shared the joyful news first. So we took the risk. Through the tears and cheers we know everyone is over the moon for us.

I feel like an impostor. I was telling Destry I feel like I big fat liar. I feel like I am telling people I am pregnant just for the attention and it is just a matter of time until they find it is not true. I keep having to convince myself that it is true. I have this little affirmation I do daily. I remind myself I have not had my cycle. Then I tell myself that means I am really pregnant. It is very silly but I seem to need to to be able to prove it to myself everyday. I am pregnant and I am still pregnant. I feel like I should take a test everyday just to make sure.

It is an unreal feeling going from infertility lady to pregnancy lady in one day. One day I am a woman who has been struggling with infertility for years with the possibility of never conceiving on my own. The next day I am a miraculous conception lady. Pregnant as pregnant can be. The past is almost erased in a flash. I try to keep myself centered, aware this could be taken away at any moment. Aware how unfair it is. How unfair that so many other ladies may never get to have what I have at this moment. Including feeling like I want to barf at all times of the day.


I have already noticed a change in my body. I have developed a fat pad under my belly. It is thick and jello like and not very attractive. Weird. It resembles Scruffee Boy's fat pad he has under his belly. A few years back Scruffee pick us to be his family. He lived under the house and slept on the front porch on our welcome mat. We fed him he came in the house and never left. He is such a nice boy and we can't imagine our life with out him. I kind of feel the same way now about our baby. I feel like we have taken in another stray. The baby is going to live in my uterus and when it is ready it will come in the house and never leave. We won't be able to imagine our life with out baby. I am always looking around for an animal that needs a home. This time a baby was looking for a family that needed a baby. I love you little baby.

First Heart Beat

Destry and I left work a little early to go to our first appointment with Dr. Leigh. As we sat in the exam room, me in my gown and Destry reading a book I could hear Dr. Leigh outside the door explaining to the nurse that I was her infertility patient and had endometriosis and I was pregnant! 


She came in and said how excited she was and asked if this happened with Letrozole? Ummm Noooo, not IVF either Dr. Leigh. We did this all by our self. I am so proud of my body. We had a quick exam with all the test that need to be done legally. Even though I have had all of them done recently already.


Then she explained we were going to do a vaginal ultra sound. This is what we were waiting for. This will tell us if we have a viable baby. Almost immediately I saw the dark yolk sack and then just like that I saw the little heart beating. I did not say anything. I let Dr. Leigh look around and show us herself. She slowed down and said "See that right there, that is the heart beat." Destry gasped a little and squeezed my hand real hard. He leaned over to get a better look and I new he had a tear in his eye.


She measured the sack (6.2 weeks) and heart beat (120 beats a minute). All normal. Looked around for a second baby. No second baby.


She left us so I could get dressed. Destry took the the print out of the ultra sound they gave us and tucked it in his book. Then he clutched it to his chest and hugged it. I gave him a wimpy kiss and he demanded a real heart felt kiss. I was in such shock. There is a real life baby with a heart beat growing inside me and I didn't have to do a thing.


We went to Dr. Leigh's office. We talked about my allergies a little bit and morning sickness. Which I am surprised I have been having already. Then we talked about genetic testing. Destry and I have decided to forgo Amniocentesis and CVS testing in favor of ultrasound and blood testing during my pregnancy. She gave the pro's and con's of just using blood testing since it is not a definitive answer. Blood testing gives you a percentage of risk. So she could tell us that we have a 1-400 chance of having a baby with down syndrome or a 1-4 chance of having a baby born with a disability. We are OK with that. This baby really wanted to be born to us. We will love and accept what ever we get.


The Dr. explained that we still have a 10% chance of miscarriage at this point, yet feels confident because I feel so awful. Yippy!


We are still cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome.


Due date 2-03-2013

They Say if You Just Relax.....

Well meaning people say it all the time. If you just stop thinking about it and relax you will get pregnant. I would fume a little every time someone would say that to me. It insinuates that you are doing something wrong. If you could just do everything right it would work this time, this month.

That is just what I have done. I have accepted that our lives together will be childless. I even see people with kids and sometimes think I am glad we aren't them. I am embracing the pending grandchild and super excited to have other peoples little babies in our lives. I am excited to be saving our money for our dream house. Planning my own little homestead with garden and maybe a bee hive. I put the baby names and baby room ideas in the archives and went for a hike.

So when cycle day 29 came around I didn't think any thing of it. I am cramping and tired and swallowing magnesium. Day 30, I am cramping and tired and swallowing magnesium, Day 31, I am cramping and tired and swallowing magnesium. Thinking I have been working too hard painting all weekend to get my cycle. 

Maybe I need a rest for it to kick start. Day 32, I go to work get some rest and think to myself I have never had a cycle longer than 31 days before. I am wondering if these herbs are causing a delayed cycle or maybe it is menopause. 

Day 33, I take a pregnancy test. I ask Destry to check it after three minutes while I jump in the shower. I have not even finished dropping the four drops of urine in the reservoir of my dollar store test when I see it. The second line!

 I grab my test as Destry announces he just set the alarm for three minutes and cry, "You don't have to wait". I am trying to show it to him and he is trying to get to some good light and maybe his reading glasses. We are hugging and I am crying and he is smiling and his eyes are sparking bright blue like they do when he is really happy. In shock I get in the shower and just shutter and cry. 

I can't figure out what is going on. How did this happen. I accuse my acupuncturist of being a witchy women. I call my OB and demand a same day appointment even though she is not in the office today. I compromise on an appointment two weeks out. My acupuncturist is surprised and tells me not to take my herbs. 

I am sitting here feeling just as I did last week and realize pregnancy does not feel like anything. Thinking about waiting three months to tell family is like torture. I am very proud of my body. After all the Letrozole and Clomid and IUI's my body decided to to it all by itself with my husbands two week old sperm. Against all odds I am cautiously optimistic. 

I call my sister to tell her. I chicken out. I promised Destry we would tell our family together. He can't wait to see everyone's face when we tell them and either can I. 

Feeling Good Take Three!

The true test of how my energy level is improving happened over the weekend. Angelica and Ray got the keys to their house. It is a cute two bedroom with a killer backyard and fantastic garage. I am so proud of them and so proud of how I was able to work all weekend with my cycle just a day or two away. I kept magnesium in my pocket and plenty of nettle tea. I just kept plugging along. 


My muscles were so sore from all the painting I was doing. I felt like a bat hanging upside down in those kitchen cabinets applying coat after coat of durable paint. Those cabinets are looking good if I do say so myself.


At my last appointment I canceled the following weeks appointment because Destry and I were going out of town. I received the cancellation email but did not look at it. Until I receive an appointment reminder. That is weird I thought, I cancelled that appointment. I look closer and realized that the wrong appointment got cancelled and this weeks appointment still stands. I don't think I will see her for two weeks now because she is all booked up for next week already. Darn


I had to stay home and send Destry off to Wyoming without me last minute. We came home to find our sweet boy cat had blood all over his face. He had a horrid abscess that we had not noticed until it burst. A late night trip to the emergency Hospital and a few hundred dollars later he is home and drunk. Falling over and running into things with his e-collar. We called around to try and find someone that would be wiling to take care of our convalescing boy but in the end we decided he needed to be home to recover and it was just not fair to inconvenience our friends and family in that way. Scruffee boy is feeling better. I just hope he decides to eat something soon.

Still Feeling Good!

With the weather warming and my blood moving we have been going up to the Butte everyday after work for a 3 mile hike. In the few weeks we have been hiking I have expected to see some weight loss. Though I feel better and am starting to see some muscles, that scale has not budged. Little Alice on the other hand is looking slim and trim. Good dog! 


I received a welcoming letter from the supervisor where I will be transferring to. I thought great, but I have not been formally informed where I will be going yet. Seems HR sent him a letter two weeks ago saying to expect me. I went over to meet him and the crew and get a look around. It is nice for everyone to be so welcoming. I feel so much better about this move now that I know I won't have to bump someone else out of a job. He was able to get a new position created just for me. This change is going to work out just fine. Then today I finally got my letter. July 1 I will start my new job. 

I have been drinking nettle tea for my allergies. I have been suffering with allergy symptoms for months. I think when I have the latex reaction after my surgery my body went into hyper sensitive mode. Any little fragrance or anything seems to bother me. I have been taking Claritin and Flonase forever now. I am really hoping that these treatments will strengthen my immunities so I will not be so snarfy all the time. The nettle tea works great as you are drinking it. If you are not drinking it, like at night you will get stuffy again. I noticed there is not a long lasting effect with it. So every morning I can't wait to get to drinking it again. So far I have not had a sore throat. I also feel a coolness in my face.

My last acupuncture treatment did not go as well as the others. She did some extra points on my face for allergy relief. She hit a nerve or something in my head that sent a shooter through my scull. That is not normal she said. That had some residual effects that caused my face to ache during the treatment. I lifted my arm to rub my face and the needle in my forearm caused my muscle to spasm. I lay there not very happy and not very relaxed. I had to calm myself down and breath through the awkwardness. I was finally able to relax a bit but was happy when she showed up to remove the needles. Then the good part. She had me roll over and showed me where to rub on my lower back to help relive cramping and pain. She gave me a little massage before inserting the needles. If felt amazing. Thumbs up all the way. I totally relaxed and even fell a sleep a little bit. I was a little light headed when it was time to go and gave myself a few minutes to come to before heading out the door.

Been Feeling Good!

I have had three acupuncture appointments since my last post. It feels like not much has been happening, the inspiration to blog about boring mundane stuff is just not there. With a little prodding from my beloved sister I will do my best to fill in the gaps. In fact as I read back a few post I realize quite a bit has been happening.

I finally picked up the Caster Oil Pack the the Dr. recommended I try. After realizing that the cheap Castor oil I picked up at the drug store was not the "right" stuff I went off the the Vitamin Shop and picked up some cold pressed Castor Oil. I saturated my flannel and made a mess of myself. I can say Castor Oil packs are delicious. I am in heaven. I can't wait to plop myself in bed with my hot water bottle on my abdomen and just relax. Did it help with the pain? I can say my pain feels the same. I little crampy before my cycle as always.

She told me I could take magnesium tablets when I start to feel cramping. Since my husband takes them for his blood pressure we already have them in the house. I found that if I took one every four hours it would control my cramping. I am thrilled that this works so well. The spasm in my neck has fully relaxed and I am even sleeping better. 


I found it interesting when she told me she suffered from painful periods in the past herself. Painful to the point she would end up in the emergency room. That is where I should have ended up a few times myself. The next time I saw her I asked if she ever was able to get control of her painful periods. She said yes... by doing acupuncture, herbs, magnesium and as soon as she went gluten free she had almost immediate relief. That has given me a little push to make my diet more of a priority in my treatment. Maybe I will give one of the recipes on Sundance Bakery Blog a try soon.

I got a fresh order of herbs in. I opened the box and thought "What is this"? Three huge bottles of herbs. I asked her about them. She explained it was one months worth of treatment. I thought that would last me three months for sure. I actually liked the new "blood mover" formula better. It taste and smelled like home. Earthy and like sage maybe. She thought that was good and that it meant it was probably a better formula for me.

I saw the Green Pastures was having a killer sale on the dreaded cod liver oil. I ordered up a couple bottle for each of us. I am getting pretty good at coating my cod spoon with honey and swallowing down the slimy slug with water. Every time I mention cod liver oil to my acupuncturist her eyes get a little shifty. I wonder if she gets a little enjoyment seeing if her patients are willing take this stuff.

Well Today I......

It was confirmed today that my job position has been officially cut. Of all the the dozen or so position cut in our department mine is the only one not being relocated to an open vacancy in house. That mean I will have to bump someone else from their job and get to know new people and learn a new job in another location. It really stinks and I had a few tears. Deep inside I know that this is a good thing for me. I really think I will like working at a different bureau in the long run. This is something I probably would not have initiated on my own. Change is good and learning new skills is always good.


I had my co-worker drop me downtown for my acupuncture appointment. It is just minutes from work and I arrived a bit early. Changed into my yoga pants and settled in with a magazine. I like arriving early so I can relax a bit. I received an e-mail announcing her pending maternity leave and to schedule future appointment now as she was limiting her schedule soon. I was excited to congratulate her and found it funny when she said some of her long term patients had not noticed she was pregnant.


She said I better get pregnant before she goes on maternity leave.  I puzzle over how to respond to those type of comments. I think I just raised an eyebrow and cocked my head a bit. If I had words for that particular body language I would say "Really? I don't feel like I can get pregnant." It is true. I don't feel like I can get pregnant.


When Destry and I  decided to postpone the idea of IVF I gave myself a few days to grieve the little bit of hope it gave me. My heart told me over and over that it would not work the first time. It was a relief to not have to figure out how I was going to schedule treatments, medicated mood swings between holidays and summer vacations for a treatment I did not believe would work for me.


During my initial consultation the Dr. asked my over and over again about the side effects I felt while taking Clomid. I explained the darkness and the I hate everybodyness that I felt for weeks until one day it just lifted and I started to feel better. She explained that women with endometriosis tend to not react well with Clomid and she does not recommend it for endo patients. She confirmed my decision to never take that drug again. I was conflicted though. If I was to commit to  IVF it is mandatory to do a Clomid challenge test. Even though I have already done one months ago. When I suggested that I was not going to do it, I was left feeling like that was not an option.


I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Now my hobbies include walking the dog, preparing homemade baked goods using whole real foods, planning my next trip to the farmers market and planning my next crochet projects for new grand babies and nieces. A welcome relief from strolling infertility blogs and urinating on ovulation predictor kits. My Baby? You may come and you may not, invasive treatment I will not.


My Dr. confided that she had a hard time conceiving her baby. Even though they did not need IVF they needed help. Chinese and Western medicine she said. I like that she confided with me. She found it ironic considering the profession she is in. I did too actually. I had imagined in my mind that she was a person who had not an irritable day, a period that last three days and not a cramp ever. Like Chinese medicine had made her an alien. I am so happy that her baby journey worked out for her. I am so glad to see she is human like the rest of us. I am so glad that I can take the pressure off myself and just find relief in some improvement and not grasp for a "cure".


Until next week I will drink the herbs, swallow the cod liver oil and drink the iron supplement. Then I will make Pie and Crisp. Because I have to eat my food cooked you know, including my fruit. I really see know other option than Pie yummy Pie.

Breath and Think Positive

I gave myself plenty of time to make it to my acupuncture appointment. Luckily I found a parking place right away. I sat in my car for a few minutes, giving myself a minute to relax before I went inside. The street where I parked was lined with mature cherry trees. All of the blossom were falling like snow with each gust of wind. I had the window cracked just a bit for fresh air, blossoms were sneaking in the car and landing on my shirt. The blossoms were so heavy they covered my car and created drifts along the curb and sidewalk. It was a beautiful afternoon to be downtown. At least on the that stretch of street anyway.

The Dr. was all business today. I mentioned a few things I had forgotten to mention at our initial appointment. Like the stomach problems I have that is soothed only with fresh cabbage. She asked me if I received the Herbs she ordered? I have, then confirmed her warning that they tasted awful. Luckily it is just fine if I put some honey in the horrid mixture. The herbal mixture has a warming effect. I may have noticed some warming or it may have been that it was warm in Portland for the first time all year last week. Not sure. One thing that is for sure is that Friday night I had warm fingers and cold cheeks to the touch. Very uncommon for me.

She did some work on my abdomen area. I was able to relax  and concentrate on my breathing while on the warm table. I do get a little cold about half way through the treatment but the warming light she has pointed on my lower half helps keep me comfortable. I am expected to start my cycle today or tomorrow. She told me to come in if I get painful cramping. I laughed a little and said "Well, I will get painful cramps". She reminded me to think positive. Then I remembered two months ago when I did not have cramps and did not take any pain medication for the first time in my life for cramps. I was able to go for a hike and was just amazed how functioning I was while having my cycle. It was little taste of what it is like to be healthy. I realized it was possible. I reminded myself that that is why I am here to begin with and that the treatment I just had might help get me through this month just fine.  I am not feeling great today. I feel tired and a little off. I do have a anti-inflammatory in my pocket just in case.

This coming week I am going to concentrate on eating warm cooked food for every meal. Not using the microwave to re-heat my food and dressing appropriately for  the weather. I don't tend to do that now. When I am chilled I don't put on socks and a sweatshirt and when I am warm I don't take off my sweatshirt. I don't know why. For now I am off to put on some socks.

5 Star Hotel

Since I got paid yesterday and since I had to go downtown for my first Acupuncture appointment. I stopped in at Sur Le Table and Anthropologie to pick up these little goodies. I am just in love with these Farmers Market Baskets and could not wait to show Destry. He will think they are cool also. There may be a conversation on where do I think I am going to store these when not in use. My plan is to just store them on the kitchen table with all of the other glass storage containers that I don't have room to store. Oooops

I finally found my way to the office after some driving and walking around lost. Long story but I blame Google maps voice assist. I was all hot a sweaty from being nervous and walking real fast. I stood at the counter trying to cool down in that warm office and not look like a winded, sweating crazy lady. I think I pulled it off pretty good. The first chance I got I went in the restroom and wiped my face down with a paper towel. Good as new.

The first thing I noticed about the Dr. besides the fact she did not look like the picture on her web-sight anymore was that she was bout 5-6 months pregnant. I felt excited for her. I have had more than a few ladies I know announce they are excepting this past year. Each time I have been genuinely happy and excited for them. I am so happy that I am able to celebrate the joy of expecting a new baby with the people around me. I am so glad that I am not bitter and jealous. For some reason my infertility feels separate from other pregnant women. I don't see pregnant women and see the would have, could have or should have. Also it gives me a chance knit, crochet and plan baby showers. Whoo Hoo

Apparently my case was easy to diagnose. General blood stagnation and lack of circulation. She feels hopeful that acupuncture and herbs will help relieve some of the PMS and cycle symptoms. It is hard for me understand that my normal is not medically normal and I may find relief with treatment. She explained that women with endometriosis have low immunity. In healthy women their immunity will attack the endometriosis before it can get out of control. She said that also explains the allergy symptoms I have. She sees that in women like me all the time. We will work on building my immunity.

I really liked her realistic approach. She made no promises and told me people respond differently but if I am going to respond well we will know after three months. She gave me hopeful message regarding my fertility. She saw no reason why I would not conceive once my body is functioning better. I have heard that so many times, from so many people that I made it clear I could not feed off that little bit of hope anymore. If I conceive then I will consider it a gift from god. Right now I want to be healthy and live a happy wonderful pain free life with my husband. She said she was sure she could help me with that.

She said that as long as you have ovaries, fallopian tubes and a uterus conception can happen. That babies don't want to live in a 3 start hotel they want to live in a 5 start hotel. So from now on I no longer accept any less for myself than 5 star treatment.

She had some interesting recommendations for me to try. Along with the herbs and liquid iron drops she suggests trying a gluten free diet even though I have tested and do not have a gluten intolerance. Sometimes it helps. I have to admit it sounds too complex and hellish to try so I  disregarded it right off. (Come on Rachel think 5 star treatment.) Then she told me I should not eat any cold or raw food including ice cream! I asked. My body runs cold and as I understand it my body may not be able to adsorb the proper nutrients from my food if it is cold or raw. Something like that. It made sense at the time. The crazy thing is I really only like cold and raw food. I eat cooked food because it is served to me. Cold sandwiches and fresh veggies are my favorite. So I took a moment to picture what that would look like for me. She helped me work through it with a few ideas. I will give it my best and see how it goes.

I have had reservations in the past of trying alternative medicine. There are so many aspects of the treatment that work together. It is so easy to feel like you did something wrong with the treatment and that is why it did not work. I don't want to start blaming myself for not trying gluten free or having a glass of ice water or skipping a day of herbs for the treatment not working. Like in everything else I don't do anything that makes me miserable. If this starts to make me miserable I will try something else. Endometriosis makes me miserable so for now I am optimistic. More than optimistic, I believe this treatment works.

She had me hop on the table for my first ever acupuncture treatment ever. I was not prepared for treatment and told her so. I had not shaved my legs! She put me at ease but rest assured it will not happen again. I was surprised that I was anxious, like when I go for a lab draw. I told her so and she helped me relax by talking me through the process. Once the first needle went in I was good to go. Some hurt others were painless. Except for the needle in my left knee area. It smarted and did not stop. She just took the needle out after a few minutes, I had a little muscle spasm in that area afterword then it was fine.

I asked her after she took my pulse if she can tell if a women is pregnant by her pulse. She can, but never says so. There are many reasons for a false positive pregnancy pulse. As I lay there with needles poking out of my body trying to relax I thought  about how I tried to read her body language as she took my pulse and as I asked her about it. I got a little tear that ran down my cheek. It is times like these when I know just how badly I want to be a mother.

I Am In Pain, I Am In A Panic

I got started bright and early making some of my favorite Buffalo Chicken Stuffed Shell. I am going to freeze them and bring them to Mom and Dads for Easter weekend. This is a super easy recipe that even I can handle. Except I think I put to much cayenne pepper in it. Last time I made it I used Frank's red sauce that has cayenne in it already. So I did not have to add what the recipe called for.

This time as I was just getting started when I got horrible cramps. I took an anti-inflammatory right away but it did not do much. I ended up putting the called for cayenne pepper in the recipe with out even thinking about it until it was to late. The shells were already in the freezer and I was all hot a sweaty from the pain when I realized what I did.

I am so worried nobody will like them. Mom does not like spicy food and I am sure Olivia does not eat spicy foods. Elia may or may not be craving spicy foods at five months pregnant. I am sure the guys will like it. Uggg

Last month I had no cramps at all and this month I have cramps for a day and half and I can't get enough anti-inflammatories in me to get relief. My husband tells me I moan thoughout the night when I am in pain. I called in sick the next day, I felt awful.

I panic! This can't be happening again already. It hurts to lay on my left side. My left ovary feels tender. I wonder if I should call my Dr. and ask about Lupron. I google Lupron and decide I have no interest in putting toxic drugs that will force me into menopause in my body. Some women have multiple surgeries. Like one a year for endo. The surgery I had worked like a miracle. Yet, I do not want to do it again so soon. I am thinking like in another eight years, maybe.

I google endometriosis cures and find many people have found relief with Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. I have another 10-15 years of cycles ahead of me. I have nothing to loose. I am going to give it a try. I found a clinic that specializes in women's fertility issues and made an appointment.

I don't know anyone who was able to achieve pregnancy with these methods. That is not why I am doing it. I have to find a way to manage this pain. So I can live my beautiful life without fear and not miss work every month.

I Don't Want to be That Angry Lady

Angry I am not, sad and disappointed. Yes! I know waiting another month is not going to change anything about our circumstance. I spent some time really concentrating on what I want in life. I have faith, a lot of faith. I know following my heart will offer opportunities I could never imagine.

I want to live a beautiful life with my husband. I want that more than anything in the world. I have waited so long to find this man. The one person in my whole world that I am myself around. That finds my authentic self (sometime eccentric) wonderful. We have so much fun together and when he touches me I know, I mean I really know that he loves me. I can feel it.

I was reading one of my favorite fertility blogger latest post. She has over a dozen fertility blogs that she follows listed in her side bar. I went through and read the latest 3-5 post of all of them. I found a running theme through all of them. A majority of the ladies were angry.

I know that a  blog is a personal and safe place to vent. I know it is painful to have surgeries, awful drugs, IUI's and multiple IVF's that end in heart break. So many of these women talked of distant husbands, breakdown in communication, feeling alone, having no one to talk to, breaking the bank, asking for divorce and running off to a foreign country. General fighting all the time and being crazy emotional from the drugs.

I am always on a the look out for a good blog to follow. It has to touch me on a personal level. I want to feel emotionally invested in the blogger a little bit and care about their journey. I didn't get that from any of these blogs. Right now I follow two fertility blogs. Two! These two gals have handled their infertility with grace and I want to be like that.

I am so bored with infertility right now. There is so many things I want to do right now and it does not include watching for fertility signs, wondering what every little twinge in my body means, fantasizing about the baby room and figuring out how to pay for it all.

On a lighter note I would like to welcome little Christine Angela into the world. Brennen gave birth to a little girl in a stable (manger) because there was no room at the Hotel (Inn) on Bones last night. Booth of course was stoic and brave. I can't help but feel like I am falling in love with my own new born every time a see a big baby covered in strawberry jelly being born on T.V.

Head vs/ Heart

Destry and had a sit down talk about the next faze in our fertility journey. Destry has always supported me in any decision I make. While I have been trying to figure out the right path for me, I have known in my heart that Destry is really uncomfortable going down this financial path right now. The fact that he would risk it for me, means the world. 


It is not my decision alone and I would not make a decisions this huge if we were not both 100% on board. I have spent my years learning to listen to my heart and not let my head rule my decisions. I have spent this time trying to figure out where this voice inside me was coming from and what it was telling me.


My heart tells me that the months of test and drugs involved in fertility treatments might not be for me. I do not feel excited about this and I do not feel hopeful about IVF. I know you have to believe in your treatment for it to work. When I imagine going through IFV I feel like a walking zombie. (scared)


My head tells me that pregnancy is a cure for endometriosis. My Dr. told me that if I am not pregnant I need to go on Lupron anyway. My head tells me IVF can be less expensive than adoption. 


When I got advice from an adoption lawyer she said a lot of couples adopt by using donor egg and donor semen, then carry the baby themselves. It is more popular now and you get the experience of pregnancy. My head tells me that if I have good eggs and my husband has awesome semen then I should just do IVF.


I imagine how I would feel if money was no option. The reality is, IVF for us would have to be financed with my credit cards. We can not afford any more payment at this time. We are on a strict debt reduction plan and will be out of debt in the next 2-3 years. Our fertility can not wait. Going through this process would put a strain on our budget and our relationship. Thinking forward we have to consider the cost of a baby including day care. I have to work. The uncertainty surrounding my job has us a bit worried too. My position has been cut and as of July 1, I will not have a job at the Bureau any more. I am counting on being transferred to another location. We just don't know what is going to happen yet.


If money were not an option.....If I had the freedom to focus on treatments and resting and getting better. If I did not have to worry about how I was going to make payments or start selling item on E-Bay just to make the payment. I would feel more positive and excited about IVF. The statistics state that IVF usually takes more than one try for it to work. I just can not get excited about devastating our financial future for a maybe baby.


I had a little twinge of excitement when reading about another fertility bloggers excitement waiting for their adopted baby to come to them. That is when I new what my heart was saying. I new this is the way I should feel about our baby coming. Is adoption right for us. I am not sure. (I think we may be getting to old to adopt.)


Destry is my gift. We will have a beautiful life together with or with out our baby. We stood in the living room and just hugged and cried for a long time. We are going to wait to see what happens with my job before we make any tough decisions. I should know by the end of April. It is when I look at this picture that my heart screams. "I want it all!" 
                            My niece Olivia