It has been two weeks since we found out the Gemma's Hygroma was a symptom of her Turner's Syndrome. A diagnosis that just compounded her situation for the worse. We have had time to read and talk and research and wonder what all of this means. Now I just wanted my mom. We drove the three hours over the pass as the sun was going down. It glowed bright pink from the smoke of the wild fires. It was amazingly beautiful so we stopped and snapped some pictures along the way. We arrived late but that did not stop us from staying up late and just talking about Gemma and all about what she is going through and what that means for her future. Everyone has comments on how strong I am as I talk about this. I think it is because I don't know any different. This is my experience with pregnancy. I don't have a pregnancy to compare it to. So I don't know what I am missing. It is like the women who morn infertility as they try for their second baby. They know what they are missing when they can't have a second baby.
Each ultrasound appointment I get a little more anxious. I just pray I have more time with her and her heart is still beating. The technician took many pictures and we could see the Hygroma from an angle we never saw before and we both new it was bigger. She asked me if I wanted a picture and she printed off this picture for us. While I appreciate the one eyed Halloween skeleton picture as she waves at us with one arm I was not charmed by it. Destry and I both thought we did not get a very good picture this time. The picture were so beautiful last time. I look at them and wish Gemma a good day and good health every morning. So after she left the room I thought about it a little and then started crying. This might be the last picture of her that we get. So I jumped up and went and found her. I was crying and telling her I was not happy with my picture, that this might be the only pictures of my baby I get. She ushered my back to the room and worked really hard to get me some better pictures. I was happier with some more pictures and I was glad she was open to helping me.
Gemma Hope, 16 weeks 1 day
(wave hello)
Afterword we waited for Dr. Kennedy in the exam rooms. She came in and told us the Hygroma and Hydrops looked worse. Then she told us that the social worker talked to her about us wanting to focus on the positive aspects of this pregnancy. Then, she said we did not have to come back to see her any more. She said I could just go to see Dr. Leigh to monitor the heart beat if I wanted. ????? I want to come back and I told her so. This is the only place I can get these wonderful level II ultrasound pictures. And at some point the babies heart is going to be big enough to see if it developing properly. I get the situation is dire but don't be so obvious that you don't have any hope. Five minutes later we were out of there. I scheduled my next two appointments. I will make sure I get the good pictures the first time around. At twenty weeks she will look at her little heart to see if it fully developed. As we walked to the car I realized how peeved I was. I really wanted to click with Dr. Kennedy but at this point I am not willing to put any more energy into it. I will be talking to Dr. Leigh next week. I am hopeful she can recommend another Dr. or a plan that will work for me. Until the next appointment in two weeks we wait.
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