Breath and Think Positive

I gave myself plenty of time to make it to my acupuncture appointment. Luckily I found a parking place right away. I sat in my car for a few minutes, giving myself a minute to relax before I went inside. The street where I parked was lined with mature cherry trees. All of the blossom were falling like snow with each gust of wind. I had the window cracked just a bit for fresh air, blossoms were sneaking in the car and landing on my shirt. The blossoms were so heavy they covered my car and created drifts along the curb and sidewalk. It was a beautiful afternoon to be downtown. At least on the that stretch of street anyway.

The Dr. was all business today. I mentioned a few things I had forgotten to mention at our initial appointment. Like the stomach problems I have that is soothed only with fresh cabbage. She asked me if I received the Herbs she ordered? I have, then confirmed her warning that they tasted awful. Luckily it is just fine if I put some honey in the horrid mixture. The herbal mixture has a warming effect. I may have noticed some warming or it may have been that it was warm in Portland for the first time all year last week. Not sure. One thing that is for sure is that Friday night I had warm fingers and cold cheeks to the touch. Very uncommon for me.

She did some work on my abdomen area. I was able to relax  and concentrate on my breathing while on the warm table. I do get a little cold about half way through the treatment but the warming light she has pointed on my lower half helps keep me comfortable. I am expected to start my cycle today or tomorrow. She told me to come in if I get painful cramping. I laughed a little and said "Well, I will get painful cramps". She reminded me to think positive. Then I remembered two months ago when I did not have cramps and did not take any pain medication for the first time in my life for cramps. I was able to go for a hike and was just amazed how functioning I was while having my cycle. It was little taste of what it is like to be healthy. I realized it was possible. I reminded myself that that is why I am here to begin with and that the treatment I just had might help get me through this month just fine.  I am not feeling great today. I feel tired and a little off. I do have a anti-inflammatory in my pocket just in case.

This coming week I am going to concentrate on eating warm cooked food for every meal. Not using the microwave to re-heat my food and dressing appropriately for  the weather. I don't tend to do that now. When I am chilled I don't put on socks and a sweatshirt and when I am warm I don't take off my sweatshirt. I don't know why. For now I am off to put on some socks.

5 Star Hotel

Since I got paid yesterday and since I had to go downtown for my first Acupuncture appointment. I stopped in at Sur Le Table and Anthropologie to pick up these little goodies. I am just in love with these Farmers Market Baskets and could not wait to show Destry. He will think they are cool also. There may be a conversation on where do I think I am going to store these when not in use. My plan is to just store them on the kitchen table with all of the other glass storage containers that I don't have room to store. Oooops

I finally found my way to the office after some driving and walking around lost. Long story but I blame Google maps voice assist. I was all hot a sweaty from being nervous and walking real fast. I stood at the counter trying to cool down in that warm office and not look like a winded, sweating crazy lady. I think I pulled it off pretty good. The first chance I got I went in the restroom and wiped my face down with a paper towel. Good as new.

The first thing I noticed about the Dr. besides the fact she did not look like the picture on her web-sight anymore was that she was bout 5-6 months pregnant. I felt excited for her. I have had more than a few ladies I know announce they are excepting this past year. Each time I have been genuinely happy and excited for them. I am so happy that I am able to celebrate the joy of expecting a new baby with the people around me. I am so glad that I am not bitter and jealous. For some reason my infertility feels separate from other pregnant women. I don't see pregnant women and see the would have, could have or should have. Also it gives me a chance knit, crochet and plan baby showers. Whoo Hoo

Apparently my case was easy to diagnose. General blood stagnation and lack of circulation. She feels hopeful that acupuncture and herbs will help relieve some of the PMS and cycle symptoms. It is hard for me understand that my normal is not medically normal and I may find relief with treatment. She explained that women with endometriosis have low immunity. In healthy women their immunity will attack the endometriosis before it can get out of control. She said that also explains the allergy symptoms I have. She sees that in women like me all the time. We will work on building my immunity.

I really liked her realistic approach. She made no promises and told me people respond differently but if I am going to respond well we will know after three months. She gave me hopeful message regarding my fertility. She saw no reason why I would not conceive once my body is functioning better. I have heard that so many times, from so many people that I made it clear I could not feed off that little bit of hope anymore. If I conceive then I will consider it a gift from god. Right now I want to be healthy and live a happy wonderful pain free life with my husband. She said she was sure she could help me with that.

She said that as long as you have ovaries, fallopian tubes and a uterus conception can happen. That babies don't want to live in a 3 start hotel they want to live in a 5 start hotel. So from now on I no longer accept any less for myself than 5 star treatment.

She had some interesting recommendations for me to try. Along with the herbs and liquid iron drops she suggests trying a gluten free diet even though I have tested and do not have a gluten intolerance. Sometimes it helps. I have to admit it sounds too complex and hellish to try so I  disregarded it right off. (Come on Rachel think 5 star treatment.) Then she told me I should not eat any cold or raw food including ice cream! I asked. My body runs cold and as I understand it my body may not be able to adsorb the proper nutrients from my food if it is cold or raw. Something like that. It made sense at the time. The crazy thing is I really only like cold and raw food. I eat cooked food because it is served to me. Cold sandwiches and fresh veggies are my favorite. So I took a moment to picture what that would look like for me. She helped me work through it with a few ideas. I will give it my best and see how it goes.

I have had reservations in the past of trying alternative medicine. There are so many aspects of the treatment that work together. It is so easy to feel like you did something wrong with the treatment and that is why it did not work. I don't want to start blaming myself for not trying gluten free or having a glass of ice water or skipping a day of herbs for the treatment not working. Like in everything else I don't do anything that makes me miserable. If this starts to make me miserable I will try something else. Endometriosis makes me miserable so for now I am optimistic. More than optimistic, I believe this treatment works.

She had me hop on the table for my first ever acupuncture treatment ever. I was not prepared for treatment and told her so. I had not shaved my legs! She put me at ease but rest assured it will not happen again. I was surprised that I was anxious, like when I go for a lab draw. I told her so and she helped me relax by talking me through the process. Once the first needle went in I was good to go. Some hurt others were painless. Except for the needle in my left knee area. It smarted and did not stop. She just took the needle out after a few minutes, I had a little muscle spasm in that area afterword then it was fine.

I asked her after she took my pulse if she can tell if a women is pregnant by her pulse. She can, but never says so. There are many reasons for a false positive pregnancy pulse. As I lay there with needles poking out of my body trying to relax I thought  about how I tried to read her body language as she took my pulse and as I asked her about it. I got a little tear that ran down my cheek. It is times like these when I know just how badly I want to be a mother.

I Am In Pain, I Am In A Panic

I got started bright and early making some of my favorite Buffalo Chicken Stuffed Shell. I am going to freeze them and bring them to Mom and Dads for Easter weekend. This is a super easy recipe that even I can handle. Except I think I put to much cayenne pepper in it. Last time I made it I used Frank's red sauce that has cayenne in it already. So I did not have to add what the recipe called for.

This time as I was just getting started when I got horrible cramps. I took an anti-inflammatory right away but it did not do much. I ended up putting the called for cayenne pepper in the recipe with out even thinking about it until it was to late. The shells were already in the freezer and I was all hot a sweaty from the pain when I realized what I did.

I am so worried nobody will like them. Mom does not like spicy food and I am sure Olivia does not eat spicy foods. Elia may or may not be craving spicy foods at five months pregnant. I am sure the guys will like it. Uggg

Last month I had no cramps at all and this month I have cramps for a day and half and I can't get enough anti-inflammatories in me to get relief. My husband tells me I moan thoughout the night when I am in pain. I called in sick the next day, I felt awful.

I panic! This can't be happening again already. It hurts to lay on my left side. My left ovary feels tender. I wonder if I should call my Dr. and ask about Lupron. I google Lupron and decide I have no interest in putting toxic drugs that will force me into menopause in my body. Some women have multiple surgeries. Like one a year for endo. The surgery I had worked like a miracle. Yet, I do not want to do it again so soon. I am thinking like in another eight years, maybe.

I google endometriosis cures and find many people have found relief with Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine. I have another 10-15 years of cycles ahead of me. I have nothing to loose. I am going to give it a try. I found a clinic that specializes in women's fertility issues and made an appointment.

I don't know anyone who was able to achieve pregnancy with these methods. That is not why I am doing it. I have to find a way to manage this pain. So I can live my beautiful life without fear and not miss work every month.

I Don't Want to be That Angry Lady

Angry I am not, sad and disappointed. Yes! I know waiting another month is not going to change anything about our circumstance. I spent some time really concentrating on what I want in life. I have faith, a lot of faith. I know following my heart will offer opportunities I could never imagine.

I want to live a beautiful life with my husband. I want that more than anything in the world. I have waited so long to find this man. The one person in my whole world that I am myself around. That finds my authentic self (sometime eccentric) wonderful. We have so much fun together and when he touches me I know, I mean I really know that he loves me. I can feel it.

I was reading one of my favorite fertility blogger latest post. She has over a dozen fertility blogs that she follows listed in her side bar. I went through and read the latest 3-5 post of all of them. I found a running theme through all of them. A majority of the ladies were angry.

I know that a  blog is a personal and safe place to vent. I know it is painful to have surgeries, awful drugs, IUI's and multiple IVF's that end in heart break. So many of these women talked of distant husbands, breakdown in communication, feeling alone, having no one to talk to, breaking the bank, asking for divorce and running off to a foreign country. General fighting all the time and being crazy emotional from the drugs.

I am always on a the look out for a good blog to follow. It has to touch me on a personal level. I want to feel emotionally invested in the blogger a little bit and care about their journey. I didn't get that from any of these blogs. Right now I follow two fertility blogs. Two! These two gals have handled their infertility with grace and I want to be like that.

I am so bored with infertility right now. There is so many things I want to do right now and it does not include watching for fertility signs, wondering what every little twinge in my body means, fantasizing about the baby room and figuring out how to pay for it all.

On a lighter note I would like to welcome little Christine Angela into the world. Brennen gave birth to a little girl in a stable (manger) because there was no room at the Hotel (Inn) on Bones last night. Booth of course was stoic and brave. I can't help but feel like I am falling in love with my own new born every time a see a big baby covered in strawberry jelly being born on T.V.

Head vs/ Heart

Destry and had a sit down talk about the next faze in our fertility journey. Destry has always supported me in any decision I make. While I have been trying to figure out the right path for me, I have known in my heart that Destry is really uncomfortable going down this financial path right now. The fact that he would risk it for me, means the world. 


It is not my decision alone and I would not make a decisions this huge if we were not both 100% on board. I have spent my years learning to listen to my heart and not let my head rule my decisions. I have spent this time trying to figure out where this voice inside me was coming from and what it was telling me.


My heart tells me that the months of test and drugs involved in fertility treatments might not be for me. I do not feel excited about this and I do not feel hopeful about IVF. I know you have to believe in your treatment for it to work. When I imagine going through IFV I feel like a walking zombie. (scared)


My head tells me that pregnancy is a cure for endometriosis. My Dr. told me that if I am not pregnant I need to go on Lupron anyway. My head tells me IVF can be less expensive than adoption. 


When I got advice from an adoption lawyer she said a lot of couples adopt by using donor egg and donor semen, then carry the baby themselves. It is more popular now and you get the experience of pregnancy. My head tells me that if I have good eggs and my husband has awesome semen then I should just do IVF.


I imagine how I would feel if money was no option. The reality is, IVF for us would have to be financed with my credit cards. We can not afford any more payment at this time. We are on a strict debt reduction plan and will be out of debt in the next 2-3 years. Our fertility can not wait. Going through this process would put a strain on our budget and our relationship. Thinking forward we have to consider the cost of a baby including day care. I have to work. The uncertainty surrounding my job has us a bit worried too. My position has been cut and as of July 1, I will not have a job at the Bureau any more. I am counting on being transferred to another location. We just don't know what is going to happen yet.


If money were not an option.....If I had the freedom to focus on treatments and resting and getting better. If I did not have to worry about how I was going to make payments or start selling item on E-Bay just to make the payment. I would feel more positive and excited about IVF. The statistics state that IVF usually takes more than one try for it to work. I just can not get excited about devastating our financial future for a maybe baby.


I had a little twinge of excitement when reading about another fertility bloggers excitement waiting for their adopted baby to come to them. That is when I new what my heart was saying. I new this is the way I should feel about our baby coming. Is adoption right for us. I am not sure. (I think we may be getting to old to adopt.)


Destry is my gift. We will have a beautiful life together with or with out our baby. We stood in the living room and just hugged and cried for a long time. We are going to wait to see what happens with my job before we make any tough decisions. I should know by the end of April. It is when I look at this picture that my heart screams. "I want it all!" 
                            My niece Olivia