I Reserve the Right to Change my Mind

I was surprised how accepting I was with going forward with a CVS test. I had thought that I was fully prepared to have a child with disabilities without any intervention. When I found out that our baby showed physical signs of problems I immediately wanted to know what it was. I realized that it was much more complex than just imagining that we would love our baby no matter what. I imagined our baby could be like the cute Downs Syndrome kids you see bagging groceries at the store giving their co-workers high fives and say "Yah Buddy". Our baby could have serious heart or kidney problems. Our baby could have to have emergency surgery at the time of birth. Our baby could have organs growing outside of there body. We could have to delivery by cesarean do to the size of the growth. The list goes on. I feel it is important to know as much about our baby as we can right now so we can prepare and so the doctors helping us can have the best information available to treat our baby.

I was generally anxious about the appointment but I imagined the procedure would be similar to IUI. I checked in and went straight to the bathroom. Turns out I needed a full bladder for the procedure so they brought me a full glass of water and told me to drink. I felt bad for slowing them down because they really had to shuffle patients around to get me in this week. I lay there with everyone standing around me watching my bladder fill on the ultrasound screen. Finally the Dr gets started and inserts the speculum. OMG it hurt so bad Destry said I went white and thought I was going to pass out. I had her take it out, I shifted my pelvis down a little and we tried again. I think with a full bladder those muscles are so tight they just down't want to let go. I was fine after a minute. I would have stayed there for hours with a full bladder if we could continue to look at the baby on the screen. The Dr then said she dropped the cotton balls on the floor and would have to use the "scratchy" gauze pad to wipe off my cervix. I said, can't you get some more cotton balls. There has to be more cotton balls in this place. The nurse and assistant even commented at her description the the gauze pad. Turns out the gauze is not as "scratchy" as she described. I was able to see the catheter work it's way to my uterus on the screen and it was over before I new it. She showed me the sample and showed me what looked like good sample pieces. Then sent us to talk to the genetic counselor. She was quirky and sweet and told us nothing we didn't already know. I think her main goal was to discourage our request for the faster less reliable FISH testing. We conceded to wait the 2 to 3 weeks for the full results. Now we wait.

The baby was laying on it's side with it's back to us. We were not able to see the little legs and arms move around like last time. We did however get this super cool kind of weird little scull picture. 

We Need All Your Prayers

Baby 12 weeks 1 day

Destry and I went to our genetic ultrasound appointment with great anticipation. He was very confident and I was very nervous. We were called back right away, the technician got us all situated. We watched the screen with great excitement as we watched our little baby appear on the screen. There it was, the baby was moving it's little arms and kicking it's little legs then arching it's little back. It was so animated Destry could not believe that I could not feel it. It was very surreal. It is hard to believe your pregnant when you can not see or feel anything. Yet, there it was our little active baby, looking so wonderful and perfect to us.

The technician said very little to us. She was patient as she waited for the baby to get in just the right position to measure the skin on the back of the neck. She mentioned the baby had a nasal bone and that was good. After a time she left us to wait for the Dr. to come and talk to us with this little picture on the screen. I just stared at it the whole time I waited. There was the little measurement line still on the screen. It measured from the little crease in the babies neck straight down to the bottom of the placenta. I did not understand what that meant. I wondered why the measure the blank space. I did not ask why.

The Dr. came in and explained that my blood test had come back and showed no elevated risk for abnormalities. I said great but what did the ultrasound show. She explained that they measure the skin on the back of the neck. An above average measurement indicates a Cystic Hygroma. A Cystic Hygroma is an indicator for chromosomal abnormalities. Then she said my baby has that. I don't remember the exact measurement but instead of the skin being a few mm thick the measurement was almost an inch thick. You can clearly see in the picture the black space under the babies neck is a large cyst. In fact if you look you can see it in the previous ultrasound picture also.

The Dr. offered us a CVS test the same day. I was in such shock and trying so hard not to break down and cry that I passed on the test. I thought at the time that I would do an amnio test if I felt like that was the right thing to do in the future. The genetic counselor was busy with another patient so I took her number in case I wanted to talk to her later. We left and hugged and cried in the hallway then we went to eat some lunch. We went through all the normal feelings that you go through when you experience a trauma. 

When I let go of conventional fertility treatments I made a promise to myself and to God that I would have faith in his plan for me. That I would not try and play god anymore. That I would be the best me and the best wife I could be with or without children. Even though I do not understand why this is happening to us now after all we have been though. I do know that I don't have to understand. I just have to believe that this is the path we are meant to be on and have faith that good will come from this.

If god can give us one miracle he can give us two.

Babies First Pictures

4 weeks, Baby is size of a poppy seed.

   

6 weeks- Yolk Sack, Baby is the size of a lentil bean.

     

10 weeks- Babies head on the right. 

Those little spots over the body are arm and leg. 

Baby is the size of a kumquat.

Today we took the morning off from work for our 10 week appointment. I was scheduled to supply blood samples for our genetic testing and we scheduled out 13 week ultra-sound. At that point they will review all the test results together to determine our percentage of risk of having a baby born with disabilities.

I had to admit to Dr. Leigh that I was really anxious to find that everything was OK at this point. She agreed to do an ultrasound so we could see for our selves. At this point she was able to just put the ultrasound tool on my belly to see and measure the baby. We immediately saw a little black blob and a little baby body. But my fear made me blurt out "I don't see a heart beat." Dr. Leigh calmly said she needed to focus in first and when she did we could see a little flicker of a heart beat. 

Baby has a good strong heart beat and measure a full 11 weeks even though I am only 10 weeks and 4 days. Dr. assured me that at this point we would not change my due date. She said it like three times. I thought it was weird because I know exactly when I got pregnant and don't understand why three day growth difference at this point would change anything. 

It still seems unreal to me. I kept explaining on the ride to work my amazement that the baby was really there and growing. I really thought I would feel confident at this point to tell my friends at work. Yet, I found that I just reset my time line to after my 13 week ultrasound appointment. Maybe after a good night sleep I will feel more confident.