One Month Off/ But Not Really

I greet this month with relief. A month without Letrozole, a month without OPK's, a month without IUI. I really focused on being present in the moment and allowing myself to enjoy this break.


"It" is always there though. I ride this wave of "what if's" multiple times a day. I imagine our life with children, I imagine our life without children, I imagine our life with twins, I imagine our life with a special needs child. I imagine calling the fertility clinic to start treatment when I get my cycle. I imagine I don't get my cycle. I know I don't "want" to go through fertility treatments. I don't want to inject the drugs, I don't want to have my eggs harvested from my body. I don't want to live our life together without the joy of children it.


I found this month a "self" I had not seen in a long time. The Letrozole worked it's way from my body, I started being goofy and playful and singing my little silly songs around the house again. I just thought I was so funny joking and playing tricks on my husband.


I have spent days working on handmade decorations and favors for Jimmy and Elia's baby shower. All pink and lacey for a little girl. Marie is going to do the baking of delicouse gluten free cupcakes. Together we are a perfect sister team.


I was laying in bed one night when I felt it. That pain again. I knew it immediately. I lie so still, pleaded that I don't have a full blown attack. My body started to shake inside. The feeling of shock quaked though my body. I can't pretend. It is true. The endometriosis is growing back. After five minutes I felt it rush away and I was back. I pray it does not come back worse than it was before.


My body still works unasisted by the drugs. I had strong ovulation signs on day 13 of my cycle. Then que the hormonal water works just in time for me to ignite a family drama that had everone worked up before our Easter get together. I just have a few days now until we decide what plan we will set into motion.

How Did You Finance IVF?

I have spent a lot time on google researching that very topic. There is a lot of information and many companies offer "medical" loans. They are all very similar and none really stood out as an exceptional product.


After our consult at ORM the nurse suggested we make an appointment with there financial department. "They are great." she said. "They know everything." she said. I should have asked some more questions. In my mind I really thought that they new everything and were great.


We got off early from work and drove over the bridge to NW Portland to meet with Carey at the Northrop office.  Carey was ready with a power point presentation to walk us through the payment process. This would show us in technicolor what to expect payment wise over the next three months. I told her I had read the e-mail she sent out to us and thoroughly understood the process. I really was more interested in there financing products they offered and what interest rate we qualified for. What is our payment going to be? That is all I want to know at this point.


She handed us the brochures for the two financing companies they use and told us to apply on-line. "I could of done that at home." I complained. She said "Sorry for wasting our time."


Destry must have been feeling generous because at this point he offered to look at her little power point presentation. She got all excited. Sat up real straight and engaged her professional PR voice. That tends to sound so phony to me every time I hear it. Then proceeded to explain page by page the payment process that I am familiar with already. She gave us an incredibly low price quote for the IVF procedure. "This is what we are quoting people these days." She said.


Dr. Barbieri told me that 90% of all her patients use ICSI and Assisted Hatching these days. I would not go forward with ORM if they did not think these techniques were a good idea for me. Those expensive procedures are not included in there Power Point presentation quote. I feel people may feel miss lead if they did not look at the Dr. recommendations real close after the consult.


My questions to Carey were:


What are the options for people looking for assistance in paying for the medications?


Is there any companies offering supplemental insurance for fertility treatments?


Are you familiar with any fertility Grants we may qualify for?


Do you offer a discount for cash payment? (No, We believe our prices are competitive.)


Carey had a look of total confusion followed by a "I have not idea."


We walked out of there less than 20 minuted later. Would have been ten if we didn't sit through the Power Point presentation. I was miffed to say the least. Then continued to be unimpressed with the financial department for the next two days.


I may apply on-line for the medical loans once I hear back from my bank. The reality is my debt to income ratio is to high to qualify for the advertised low rates these companies offer. I feel the credit card I have, have reasonable rates compared to a personal or fertility loan. I have submitted a Grant application with Fertile Dreams that will cover $10,000. toward IVF. That is a long shot but it does not hurt to try. These Grants have helped a lot of people in need. Even if I don't get receive a grant I will be asking people to donate to them this year in my name for Christmas.


Until then, praying for a miracle this month!

6 Months Later, Test Show I am Growing Older

Dr. Leigh orders new hormone test in preparation for a referral to the fertility clinic.

1-12-12

Day 3 FSH 10

Day 3 Estradiol 31

1-23-12
Fourth IUI, Letrozole

Day 21 Progesterone 20.00

Semen, great!

I am hopeful, I wait, I am sad

I receive my referral to Oregon Reproductive Medicine.

March 13, 2012 appointment scheduled with ORM

2-20-12
Fifth IUI, Letrozole

Day 21 Progesterone 24.6

Semen, Awesome!


The nurse sends me home with information resource for the free support at Kaiser and the Resolve support group info.

I am hopeful, I wait, I am sad


Really sad, I feel like I don't want to be open and honest about infertility anymore. I feel it is unfair to drag my friends and family down this road of disappointment with me. I decided to journal my journey in this blog.


I feel pain in my left ovary again. I am afraid the endo is growing back already. If I don't get pregnant I will have to go on Lupron for months. I may never get my period and healthy ovulation again. It is now or never.


My menstrual cramps are 1/10 of what they have been in the past. In fact I took no pain medication this month for cramps for the first time in my life.


I find out that my stepdaughter and her husband are pregnant with our first grandchild. :)

Pre-Op/ Post-Op

I have a follow up ultrasound. Went to my pre-op appointment fully expecting her to cancel surgery and send me to the fertility clinic.

She whirled into the exam room and exclaims. "I sure am glad we did an ultrasound to check the cyst on your ovary." My brain goes into overdrive. I am processing what she is saying. I working hard to hear what she is really telling me.

My cyst has grown. It has clearly not resolved itself. They have done the blood test. It is not cancer. She won't know for sure until they look inside me. We both know it is endometriosis.

It clearly explains the pain. The pain that has been exacerbated by the fertility medication, I am sure. It had been getting worse. I could not pass gas without pain that would stop me in my tracks. I would hunch over and try to act normal until it passed. Every bowel movement was excruciating. Just a moment away from a full blown attack. I had constant urgent urges to urinate. Sex barely tolerable.

Now I become endometriosis lady. I find that people are most likely born with these endomitrial cells outside of their uterus. Endometriosis has been found through out the body. Even in men's brains. We all start out female. Some people have symptoms of endo even before their first cycel. It explains why even my very first cycle I had horrible cramps. Everyone's symptoms are different. It is impossible to positively diagnose without surgery. Asked if I should seek a consult with Dr. Redwine in Bend. Dr. Leigh said don't go to him. That is all I am going to say about that. If you have questions let me know.

Dr. Leigh confers with Dr. Hesla at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. He has found that women with advanced endo have a 40% increased chance of pregnancy after Laparoscopy.

12-02-11, Age 37, I have laposcopic surgery to have the endometrioma cyst removed that fused my ovary to my uterus without any harm to my left ovary. I have multiple spots of endo burned. I have the  scar tissue removed that fused my uterus to my bowel. I wake up and ask for my husband then I throw up, twice. They send me home with crackers, applesauce and hard drugs.

I stop taking the drugs after two days. The surgery hurts less than the endo pain. I have four little incisions. I pass gas without any pain. It took a few days but I have a pain free bowel movement. I find that I am allergic to latex in band aid adhesive.

I wake up one morning about a week later in so much pain. I am scared for a moment that I am going to have an attack. I start moaning that my bladder hurts. I press on my bladder. I wonder if I have to go to the bathroom. I get up and go. Boy, did I have to go. I find that I don't recognize the need to urinate the same any more. In fact I realize that I don't constantly feel like I have to go.

I am thrilled, I feel great. I pray that it last.

I find out my brother and his wife are expecting their first child. I am going to be an Aunty again. :)

Mission PAP

Originally I scheduled my fertility consult with the first available Dr. I really wanted Dr. Leigh. Turns out she is popular and was scheduled out. I thought when I get pregnant I will just switch. Silly me. 


As the month past by I kept thinking about Dr. Leigh and how I wanted her to be my Dr. So I scheduled my PAP with her. My plan was to ask her to be my fertility DR. I did not have to. Before my appointment she reviewed my file and took me on like that.

After three IUI's she was ready to refer me to a fertility center for IVF or schedule a diagnostic laparoscopy.

Took a month off from fertility treatments. Went on vacation to Australia for our one year anniversary. Has a great visit with my sister, her fiance and our darling niece. We love Australia and can totally understand why they love living there. I love traveling with my husband. He is so adventuresome, we have so much fun together.


I research Adoption, Donor Egg and IVF. I am surprised to find adopting a newborn often cost more than IVF. The good thing is adoption results in a guaranteed baby. IVF, there is no guarantees of a baby. I agonize over these options often.

Not pregnant, Emailed Dr. Leigh about IVF vs laparoscopy. She thought we needed to follow up on that cyst on my left ovary. Any change would determine if laparoscopy as a good idea.

I Hate Everyone, It's the Clomid

I hate everyone, I have a perma-frown on my face I suspect the Clomid.

I email my Dr. asking about an alternative to Clomid. She offers Letrozole with a warning that it is not FDA approved. Not as commonly used and she has not used it as often. I ask her to call in a prescription. It took about six weeks, I was driving home one day and I just felt the fog lift. I exhaled and new I was starting to feel better.

I take the test. I take the drugs. I schedule IUI's.

7/18/11
Second IUI- Letrozole

Day 21 Progesterone 20.9
Semen, great!

I am hopeful, I wait, I am sad

8-15-11

Third IUI- Letrozole

Day 21 Progesterone 25.6

I am hopeful, I wait, I am sad

During this time, you are suppose to take it easy. No strenuous exercise except light walking. No heavy lifting. I really took that to heart. Gained some weight. Spent hours on fertility forums. This is a place where people have a lot of questions. Yet you will find no real answers there.

I buy and read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by: Toni Weschler. Love the book. Wonder why they don't teach us this stuff in school. Come to realize that a book can't get you pregnant. Changing your shampoo and deodorant can't get you pregnant. Eliminating BPA and processed foods can't get you pregnant. Taking supplements and using green cleaning supplies can't get you pregnant. It is in gods hands. I listen to my heart.

I have so much blood drawn that the technicians often comment that my veins feel like sinew. They really have to jab to get through the scar tissue. I hurts and I dread it. My heart pounds when a new lab result comes in. I pray that my progesterone levels indicate a health ovulation. (They do)

Test Look Good, I feel Hopeful

Age 36, makes an appointment for fertility.

At our first consultation the nurse gives us a fertility information packet. It is a folder with a picture of cute little baby feet on it. (They shouldn't do that) I am hopeful. I fill out the questionnaire. I find that Kasier covers testing, some meds and IUI after the first $600.00.

We meet with our Dr. She mentions the word endometriosis. I insist that I have had horrible cramps since my first cycle. That is my normal. She nods her head okay. I do mention the mysterious muscle spasm. She agrees that some people carry their stress in their pelvic floor.

4-13-11

Clomid Challenge Test

Day 3 FSH 7

Day 10 FSH 8

Day 21 Progesterone 38.7

Pelvic Ultra Sound:

Your pelvic ultrasound was essentially normal. The uterus is normal size and has a normal lining. The right ovary is normal. The left ovary is normal, and it has a very small hemorrhagic cyst, measuring up to 2.4cm. This is not concerning to me and does not need to followed up, it can be seen after ovulation.

HSG Test Ordered:

I got the report form you HSG today. It shows both tubes are open and the shape of the uterine lining is normal.

5-24-11

First IUI, Clomid

Day 21 Progesterone 13.8
Semen great!


I am hopeful, I wait, I am sad

Trying and Trying

Age 34, states boldly on the one year anniversary of our first date "If you do not want to have children tell me now."

Within weeks, after passing the mother in law test we are actively trying.

And trying

And trying

Age 35, engaged, not, not trying, enjoying being engaged, enjoying each other. I really love this time in our life. I am happy it was not disrupted by "infertility" treatments. That is what is on our horizon. I so did not want that to be our truth.

We come home from our honeymoon. We are not pregnant. I pray for a miracle. I buy Ovulation Predictor Kits for the first time.

Feel at times the only positive test I will see is LH surge. I do get a little excited when I see that smiley face.

Living With The Pain

Age 31, single, able to breath, loves her family. Able to see her future, able to make her dreams come true, and able to not make the same mistakes again.

Age 33, dating the man of her dreams.

I warned him that sometimes I get these horrible pains in my stomach. It will seem to him that I am having a real emergency. Not to worry to much. They pass and I am okay in the end.

I had been having a severe attacks every month for three months in a row. Then they stopped. I didn't have another one for a long time. During this time I went to the OB. All they could offer me at the time was birth control. They had no idea what was happening and told me to come in when I was having an acute attack. I said no to birth control.

The thing is that you can't move, walk, get dressed or drive when this happens. I did not call an ambulance. If I did they would have to break down the door because I would have been unable to get to the door to open it.

Twice I even passed out from the pain. Once on a friends front porch and once on the toilet. Scary! It is strange what you learn to tolerate and the pain you learn to live with.

The First Sign of Trouble

Age 19 , working at the time at a local gas station as a fuel transfer technician. That is the fancy term for gas attendant. At the time the station was managed and run by a bunch of girls. We were all friends and had a ball working there.

I was sitting in the office looking out across the street. I could see my moms car in the Safeway parking lot across the street. She was doing her weekly grocery shopping. I was suddenly struck with a horrible pain in my stomach. I twisted in agony unable to get any relief. I thought I might have to go get my mom to take me to the hospital. At the moment I was unable to stand up straight, was by myself and scared.

The pain passed after a minute or so. I was still tender but able to function. I was on guard from here on out, that this could happen to me again at any time.

It did happen again, any time without warning and with no real pattern that I could figure. Once or twice a year maybe. Sometime I would feel it start to happen and then It would stop.

Years later I explained these sudden excruciating pains as muscle spasms. That is the only thing I could compare it to.

At 19 with no real plans for the future. I watched my friends and acquaintances go off to college or start their families. I was really lost during these young years. I tried to find myself in someone else. Then tried and tried and tried for the next 12 years.

The good thing that came from this relationship is that now I can recognized a Malignant Narcissist Sociopath coming from a mile a way....... and he did not want to have children with me.  It took me four years to manipulated myself safely out of this relationship. That is another story though. A good one too!