I Said a Prayer

I said a prayer, then asked Gemma to give her little brother or sister a kiss and send them down.
It's time... I said

4 week, 2 days

She must have not been listening very well.......

6 weeks, 5 days

We think she sent down a brother AND a sister.

We are elated and terrified. We need all your prayers.

I Didn't Know About Grief

When I retired my blog after Gemma Hope was born I didn't want to write about my grief. I didn't want people to know that I was judging them for what they did and did not say. For what they did and did not do. I did not want people to know that when they could not see or hear me I was sobbing uncontrollably in the shower, frozen with grief. That for days my hands felt empty, empty for my baby to hold. A feeling that I could not shake. 

That my heart broke when my breast filled with milk ,with no baby to feed. That I mourned when my milk went away. I wanted it, but I could not keep it. That I packed my bags two weeks before, knowing the end was near. That I drove all over town looking for preemie outfits only to leave empty handed. Because there is no store for parents in our situation. That I bought a little bunting for her online. Knowing it would be way to big. 

I did not know that people would not ask me about Gemma. That they would not want to know what happened to her. That they would not tell me they miss her or that they wished she was still here or that they love her. That they would not tell me they were so sorry for what happened. It feels like unfinished business between us. Business that needs to be settle before we can move on.

I didn't know that I would want to keep the memory of her short life alive with me forever. I didn't know that as I struggle to find ways to honor her, I would worry about what people will think. Will it be awkward or uncomfortable? Are they ready to move on? Should I be too? 

I didn't know that I would want to be pregnant again. That I new immediately that I still wanted to raise our child. That having Gemma then loosing her had not ruined parenthood for me. That it made it even stronger. That imagining being pregnant with Gemma's sister or brother gives me a feeling of excitement and happiness. Something delightful to look forward to. Something other than this eternal grief.

I didn't know that I would wonder how the world could go on around me. That I would not care when people wanted to talk to me about their problem. Still I struggle when people talk to me. My head in not there. I am still deep in grief and I have to force myself to engage and be present in the moment. Sometimes I really don't hear what people are saying. Then I realize they are talking to me. Can't they see. I just don't care.

I didn't know that seeing a little girl with her parents would practicably cripple me. That my chest would ache with milk. That It would feel like I was staggering away as I kept from breaking down. I didn't know that I would want to buy her things. That I have to force myself not to buy her toys and books and clothes. I didn't know that every time I would pass a baby clothes rack I would reach out and touch it. That I would want to grab and hug the cute little girl clothes.

I didn't know that coming home without Gemma felt like I forgot her somewhere. A moment of panic would hit me, then that heart wrenching sadness of realization. I think that is why they call it a loss. You feel like you lost something, and you can not find it anywhere. Gemma Hope is my favorite thing in the world. I am honored to have been given the opportunity to love her and care for her for as long as we have. 

I didn't know that me and my life was not waiting for me when I came home. That on top of extreme sadness I would have to navigate a new way of being me. Would have to test the waters of this new life. Surrounded by people that only know the old me. The old me is lost too, they just can't see it. And, I, I can't hear them. I wonder when we will all mesh again.

Sometimes I feel bad for crying. Knowing that Gemma would not want that for me. I am just not ready. I cry

I didn't know that I would have to choose the type of baby loss mama I wanted to be. I would have to choose to be angry, distant, or hopeful.

I choose love. I choose to grieve out of love, not fear. I choose love.

Gemma Hope's Birth Story

I thought that when Dr. Leigh told us it looked like the end was near at our Tuesday appointment that we possibly had another month with her. I didn't know that when she moved us to weekly appointments to monitor her heartbeat, that we would find out on our very next appointment the next Tuesday that her heart had stopped. 

Maybe it was wishful thinking....

I had made the decision to stop updating my blog about our appointments and instead sent out email updates. I had packed my overnight bag. I had filled out my FMLA paper work. I made sure the camera was charged. I bought a new nightgown. I feverishly finished sewing Gemma's quilt. It just had to be finished before we lost her. We finally sat the girls down and told them that little Gemma Hope was sick and we might loose her. This broke my heart more than anything.

Dr. Leigh had kept us waiting a little, while she finished with her other patients. I mentioned to her that I had been itching like crazy. That I wanted to rip off all the clothes. She thought I might have colestasis. She could test me and give me a pill or delivery me. I new there was a risk she would have to delivery me before Gemma's heart stopped. I was at risk for getting many conditions including mirror syndrome as a result of her condition. I felt lucky to have been so healthy to this point. She wanted to check the heart beat before she made a decision. As she was prepping the ultra sound machine she mentioned that she almost called us over the weekend to see if we wanted to come in for a check. Really? I was confused but glad she didn't because we had a wonderful relaxing weekend with family. We had a great time and took the last pictures of pregnant me that I would own.

                              

I lay there as she scans my belly and then she says "If her heart was beating you would see it right here." as she circled the wand over a blank space that had no movement at all. We both just stared waiting for her little heart to beat, hoping that she was just looking in the wrong place. She arranged for us to have a confirmation ultrasound next door. As we waited I lay there trying with all my might not to start freaking out and crying like crazy. My emotions felt like a ping pong ball bouncing off the walls in that tiny office. Here we go! This is what I have been trying to prepare myself for the past 5 months. 

We waited outside of the office waiting for them to call us in for the second ultra sound. My head is resting on Destry's shoulder and I have tears in my eyes and there is a woman across from us talking loudly on her cell phone. Loudly proclaiming that she needs to get an appointment to get her bangs trimmed. That is when I got my first taste of it. My first taste of what it feels like when the world keeps going on around you, when your world has just crashed at your feet. I can still feel what it felt like to imagine jumping up and grabbing her phone and screaming "It doesn't matter! I just found out my baby died! Who cares about your stupid hair! Just shut up!" I didn't, I just sat there with tears in my eye's. 

We were called back and asked if a student could sit in on our appointment. I thought, Why the hell not? We watch the screen again and I sobbed. I had to apologize as I tried to calm myself so my belly would not shutter. For just the briefest second I thought I saw movement on the screen and made a noise of shock. Just as fast I realized I saw nothing.

Dr. Leigh met with us in her office. Where she arranged for us to check in to the hospital either that night or the next morning. I remember the look on her face when we explained that the next morning was our wedding anniversary. Our second wedding anniversary. I wanted to wait until Friday so we could make sure that she was the one to delivery me. We decided together that it was important to meet our baby in the best condition possible. We went home and called our family and friends. Got some sleep and checked in to the hospital the next morning.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am on 10-10-12 and they were expecting us. We got settled, me in my gown and slippers, Destry in the recliner. We were offered juice and water and shown the cafeteria menu. After the shift change we met the doctor, one of many. I asked her to do another ultra sound for me. It seemed the responsible thing to do. The constant was our nurse. I don't know how often the hospital knowingly delivers still born babies but they have a wonderful program and we felt wonderfully cared for. The doctor administered the first round of induction medicine internally. This would be administered every four hours until I was fully dilated. During this time the nurse got to know me and started feeding us all the information we would need. She brought us a packet full of mourning information and resources. Information on local funeral homes and talked to us about our religious preferences for Gemma's baptism.

The hardest part of that day was watching my husband call the funeral home to make arraignments for our daughter. No! No one should ever have to do that.

Then we got dressed and left the hospital and went out to lunch. We just went across the street to one of our favorite restaurants, ate some fondue, sandwiches and dessert. It was a small feeling of normalcy on our anniversary. Very small.

We scurry back to the hospital and I crawl back in bed and pretend like we have been there all along. I check in with family to let them know we are OK. It is time for my second round of medicine.

At some point they start feeding pitocin through my IV. I intensely dislike it. Every time I get out of bed to use the restroom I start shivering and my teeth were chattering. Just about the time I get warm again it is time to get up and use the restroom again. All I want at this point is a catheter. All Destry wants is for me to turn down the heat. 

Around 3 pm I am starting to feel very uncomfortable.  I request some pain medication. They give me a shot of something in my IV. I get really high and delete all my important emails from my laptop and delete my deleted folder. Emails are gone forever and I didn't even remember doing it. I didn't notice they were gone for three days. 

I have some relief for about 20 min. I am not happy. These induced contractions are one on top of another. They are intense and you get no relief in between. On top of feeling like you have the flu from the pitocin it was not a pleasant experience.  It takes me another hour and half to finally get an epidural. Destry scurries off to get coffee as I am getting prepped. He doesn't like needles. He has been known to pass out at the sight of them. We didn't want to take any chances.

It is about 6:30 pm. I am feeling better but I am aware that the epidural is one sided. My left leg is totally numb and I am unable to move it on my own. I feels huge and it hurts and it burns. I am able to feel and move my right leg on my own. I finally get that catheter. I can still feel my contractions but they don't hurt. They are one minute apart and last about 20 to 30 seconds for the next 6 hours. After my epidural I am checked in preparation for my third round of medicine. I don't need it. I am dilating nicely and at 6 or 7 already. They put us to bed. My eye's are closed but I can not sleep. I can hear Destry snoring over there.

Just before 12:00 pm my water breaks. This is where I experience my only regret. I immediately called the nurse to let her know. A nurse I had not met scurried in uncomfortably and checked under the covers. Grabbed the pillow that was under my knees and tossed it in the bathroom. Then scurried out. I wake Destry from across the room and he jerks awake in a panic. I try and calm him and tell time to take some time to wake up. He lays back down and goes back to sleep. The Dr. has been loitering outside the door in anticipation of this moment and comes in. So does a nurse I had not met yet. They turn on the lights and they get there table and tools ready, they get me in position and I ask for a mirror.

Oh Yah Destry, Umm honey are you waking up over there. He sits up again and mumbles something and just sits there. Honey can you come and stand by me? Sure. He just sits there. The nurse asks him if he wants to come and stand by me and hold my hand. No answer. I suddenly realize what is going on here. He is sleep walking. He is not awake. I have seen this a couple of times but not very often. She asks again just as I am about to say something about him still being a sleep. And he shakes is head and says, Sorry what? 

This is where I wish I would have woke Destry up first before calling the nurse. I wish we could have had a moment together to get ready for this before all the drama was going on. I imagine this scene over and over again in my head all the time. Trying to rewrite history and finding some peace.

Destry groggily gets up and walks around me looking scared to death and stands on my left. The nurse needs to be on the left to help the Dr. The nurse ask him if he wants to stand on my right where he could see better. He says no. He is fine. Well he is still half asleep at this point. So I ask him to come on the right side to hold my hand and reluctantly obliges. I was worried about him and it was really hard getting ready to push and worried about my half sleeping husband.

The Dr. perches herself on the edge of the bed and tells me to push. Really just like that? Do you want me to wait for a contraction or something. She shrugs and says I can wait for one if I want to. I was a little concerned at first that since Gemma was in a breach position I might have a hard time. I learned very quickly that this was not a concern with little tiny babies.

When I felt a contraction I started pushing. I don't remember how many times I push all together because something happened that startled me and threw me for a loop. This is the only kind of funny, kind of gross thing that happened this whole birth. My water bag exploded with my first push and shot out of me and sprayed everything including my Dr. and her face! Yes, really. She jumped up and grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her face and mouth. I felt kind of bad, but what could I do but just lay there. Oops Sorry. Lets try again. I push again and, well it happened again. Just not with so much force. Nobody got hit in the face this time.

I am a little distracted at this point, I think I am able to push her out with one good push. I am glad I asked for a mirror. This scene of seeing her being born is the most vivid memory I have of the whole day. 

This part is so hard. She just kind of plops out and I can't really tell what I am seeing. I think she is still wrapped in her sack but she is not. Destry can see her and he sobs at the sight of her hygroma. He collapse on my chest and we cry. The nurse asks me if we want to hold her. I have to tell her to give us a few moments. So she cuts her cord and takes her and puts a little clamp on her cord and holds her in the bassinet. Destry goes and gets on-line. He is able to contact my sister who is awake and wondering how we are in Australia. 

The Dr. tells me to give another push. What? I guess it is normal to have to push out the placenta. I know this but was in such shock that I complete blanked it out. Just like that I have given birth to our daughter. The doctor commented on how big and saturated my placenta was. Another reminder of how sick Gemma was.

I asked for Gemma. The nurse brought her to me. I was holding her on my chest. She was so smashed from being born that I could not tell what I was looking at. Her face was unrecognizable  her little cheeks and lips we so smashed I pointed to her and asked, what am I looking at here? The Dr. said that is her face and so I kept looking until I could make out all of her features. She continued to relax and her features became more pronounced until she looked like a normal little baby. I was so scared of her. I was scared to hurt her. This is when the nurse who was filling in for my nurse gave me the biggest gift of all. She was my angel.

She excitedly explored my baby with me. I was afraid she was going to fall apart. She assured me she was just fine. She showed me her little hands and her little feet. Gemma has Destry's feet. She helped me turn her over and look at her little bottom and I even saw her hygroma. I was scared to show our family Gemma's pictures at first because her condition is apparent. Gemma's skin had started to deteriorate before she was born. She had some very small patches of skin that I was able to touch and kiss. Her little body was swollen with fluid that continued to seep from her body after she was born. She weighed just 1.08 lbs and was 10" long and she was born at 12:02 am on 10-11-12. Her own special day.

By this time my regular nurse was back from break and in the room with me. She asked me what I wanted to do with Gemma. I could stay up with her or have her in the bassinet in the room or they could take her to the cooler. I could not think. I could not answer her questions. We decided to try and get some sleep. I asked them to take Gemma to the cooler for the night. I became immediately protective of her. I didn't want her to deteriorate any further. I felt it was the safest place for her. I declined to give her a bath. It would have done nothing to help her condition. These were all very hard and confusing decisions.

There was not much rest to be had after that. The lights were off and I was laying down but the nurses where in and out checking on me the rest of the night. They turned off my epidural. My fever finally broke and Destry was relieved when I agreed to turn off the heater. They were constantly checking my blood pressure and checking for excessive bleeding. My legs were killing me and I was glad to finally be able to drink some water. The nurse came in and announced Gemma's weight had measurements to me. For some reason I was surprised to hear her say that. It was sweet and terribly sad at the same time.

We were slow to wake up in the morning. We had a bite to eat then the clergy came to us. After chatting she asked if we could get Gemma. So I called for her and the nurses rushed to get her ready for us. They dressed her in a precious tiny gown and a tiny little hat. They gave her her first little teddy bear and a charm bracelet with her name on it. Because every girls needs her bling. She was wrapped in her special blanket gifted to her from her grandma and grandpa. We held our little bundle and cried. She weighed absolutely nothing. You just could not feel her weight in her blanket. It was terrible and wonderful and confusing. You could feel that she was cold and you wanted her to cry. So very unnatural. Destry held her and cried that they made her look so pretty. They did. This simple act of treating our baby with respect and deserving of special treatment was the most powerful experience. The impact of this important gesture resonated with me like no other.

The clergy asked to hold her as she gave her a blessing. We took some pictures with her. The nurses took some pictures with all three of us. We took our time with her. Our only time with her.

Dr. Leigh came to visit us. She met Gemma and brought us a gift. She took out my IV and made me go pee. Then she discharged me. Just like that we got our discharge instructions and it was time to say goodbye. Was it hard to say good bye? Not as hard as I thought it would be. I wanted her home with us. I didn't want to think of her in a cooler or at the funeral home. I wanted her home with us. We arranged for the funeral home to come and get her as soon as they could. And she was home with us on Monday.

She rest by our wedding picture on the mantel. When I am really sad I might sleep with her.

We grabbed our bags and walked out of our room with our memorial box in hand. I was mad. Mad that all I had was that stupid box. There was no one in the hallway as we left. It felt like we were the only people in the world, all alone. We push the door open to the lobby and we could see and hear a group of young people chatting and laughing one of them obviously very pregnant. Waiting to be admitted. And I prayed, I prayed that she would never know the pain that I felt in that moment. 

It does not end there. This story never ends. This is a story of waiting a life time to hold my baby again. I lifetime feels like a really long time.

My bottom hurt even before I left the hospital. It hurt to sit and it felt very much like my endometriosis pain. I thought I would start feeling better when I got home. But I didn't, after about a week I was surprised that I was hardly bleeding any more. I really didn't know any better I thought postpartum bleeding was heavy and long. It is not. So I was surprised when after a week I got some cramps and passed a big clot and started bleeding a little again. In the morning my bladder would ache and it still hurt to sit. At my two week appointment I told Dr. Leigh all of this.

Diagnosis, uterine infection. I started a round of antibiotics for 10 days. I had to go in and get a scan to make sure that I did not have any retained placenta. That would have required a DNC. I started to feel better right away. My uterus was inflamed and resting on my bowel. That causes extreme pain. I know because before I had laparoscopic surgery my uterus was fused to my bowl and they feel very similar.

Day ten, I take my last dose of antibiotics in the morning by evening I have a full blown raging case of the hives. Huge itching welts all over my body, face and hands. Dr. Leigh is thrilled that I was able to take all the dosed before I had the allergic reaction because that means they worked. Not much can be done about the hives. So I rub the cream on them and knock myself out with Benadryl for three days.

I go back to work on Monday with a mild case of hives on my arms still. It has been four weeks since giving birth to Gemma Hope. And nobody wants to talk about her. People are scared of me. They don't know how to talk to me. People give me gifts and ask how I am doing. Well, you don't want to know how I am really doing and gifts don't make me feel better. I want gifts for Gemma or gifts in honor of Gemma. I want to hear her name. Nobody tells me they miss her, that they love her or wish she was still here. And they can all piss off.

(I wrote that last part during my anger faze of grief.)

Thank You

Sewn Angel Pockets

Donated to Kaiser in honor of our granddaughter Gemma Hope.

Love, Robin

We want to thank all who took the time to craft, donate and spread the word in honor of little Gemma Hope. We understand how hard and painful it may be to sit down and make these tiny little items for angel babies. That is why we are so appreciative that you were able to put your pain aside for a moment in honor of our daughter. These items bring such comfort to parents when faced with a situation beyond their control. These handcrafted items are especially wonderful because you know with out a doubt that they were made with love. Your lovingly handcrafted items will be treasured forever as something tangible to love and hold. To Gemma Hope's Grandparents, Great Grandparents, Sisters, Aunts and Uncles, Cousins, Nieces and Nephews, friends and even strangers who love her.

Thank You

A special thank you to Marie, Andrew, Olivia and new baby for your generous donation to Chances Clothes Project. The dedication of their volunteers is an inspiration. The donations made monthly to local hospitals is truly amazing. Your donation will help insure they will be able to continue their work for time to come.

Gemma Hope's little dress pattern

I scoured the internet for the pattern that was used to make the little gown that was gifted to Gemma in at the Hospital. Since I was unable to find the exact pattern I recreated the pattern myself.

Gemma Hope's Dress Pattern (click)

Download and print pattern pieces. Make sure to print it as Actual Size and not Fit to Page or the pattern will be to small. The center panel will measure 11-1/2" long if it is printed in the proper size.

1) Wash and dry fabric of your choice. Using light cotton or flannel fabric in neutral colors. Lay out pattern pieces, pin and cut fabric. You can use a second color for the center panel if you like. 

2) Use a 1/4" seam allowance throughout. Take both back pieces and fold over once and iron along the long straight edge and sew.

3) Sew ribbon or lace to the front right and left panels. Sew the ribbon just a little to the inside of the 1/4" seam allowance. You don't want the stitching to show on the front side after attaching the center panel. I used my blind hem stitch presser foot to get even distance along the edge. (Ribbon is not use for a little boys gown. You could also leave the ribbon off and embellish the front with a bow or cute buttons.) 

4) Pin and sew the center panel to the right and left front. Right sides together.

5) Trim all seems. I don't use a zigzag to finish the seem. You want to reduce the bulk as much as possible. Creating a soft dress the lays smooth and will not dominate the appearance of a small and fragile baby.

6) Sew lace to the cuff of the sleeve. Making sure to not stretch the lace. It can cause the fabric to pucker.

7) Right sides together sew sleeves to front panels.

8) Right sides together sew sleeves to back panels.

 

9) Pin and sew side seams and sleeves together and trim seam allowance.

10) Trim up the bottom hem if needed and attach lace.

11) Cut a piece of small ribbing about 1" x 7". Fold in half and pin to right side of neck line. 

12) Sew about an 1/8" seam along neck line. Sewing a deeper seam may cause the sleeves to pucker under the seam. Trim and clean up the seam a little bit. Iron it for a nice flat front. Then you can attach lace to the neck line if you like. I attached lace to the neck line of my little gowns to hide an uneven seam. Make sure it is small soft lace if you do. Back is left open.

13) Run a lint roller over the front a back of the dress. To remove and dog or cat hair if needed. (maybe  that's just me)

You should have a very cute little gown that will be treasured forever.

Give it a hug and a kiss. It is now ready to donate.

Gemma Hope's Crossed Heart Angel Pocket

                                      

Crossed Heart Angel Pocket

Yarn: 

Light Sport Weight # 3 soft yarn in a neutral color like white, cream or yellow. These color can be used for either a baby girl or boy and are flattering to a little babies skin tone in photographs. I used Bernat Softee Baby. 

Crochet Hook H/8, I use a crochet hook one size larger that the yarn called for. It gave the blanket a nice soft drape that was not too stiff.

Makes size: 6st = approx 1"

14" x 14" sq = 86 stitches = For the tiniest angels 12 - 15 weeks

16" x 16" sq = 98 stitches = Micro 16 - 19 weeks, 1lb

18" x 18" sq = 110 stitches = X Small 20 - 23 weeks, 1-3 lb

20" x 20" sq = 122 stitches = Small 20 - 23 weeks, 1 - 3 lbs

22" x 22" sq = 134 stitches = Medium 24-27 weeks, 3-5 lb

Loosely Chain in multiples of 3 + 2

Row 1:

Skip 6ch, 1dc in next ch, ch1, 1dc in 4th ch from beginning (crossing over the 1st dc),

 *sk 2ch, 1dc, ch1, 1dc, in 1st of the skipped ch*) 

1dc in last ch, ch4, turn

Row 2: 

Skip 2dc, 1dc in next dc, ch1, 1dc in second skipped dc, 

*sk 1dc, 1dc in next dc, ch1, 1dc in skipped dc*, 

1dc in 3rd ch of turning ch, ch4, turn

Repeat from Row 2 until blanket measure square. Bind off

Begin Shell Edging-

Attach yarn in contrasting color at corner. 

Sc in same st as attached yarn, *skip 2st, 3dc in next st, skip 2st, sc in next st* to end of row. Work corners with 3dc in corner. 

Weave a long ribbon along edge of blanket. Leaving long tails to wrap and tie around blanket.

I created this pattern using a crochet stitch called Cross Stitch. As I was creating this blanket I noticed how each little crossed stitch looked like a heart. It gave me great pleasure to create such a sweet little blanket for other babies and their parents.

In Honor of Gemma Hope

                             

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,

     In honor of little Gemma Hope's due date February 3, 2013 Destry and I are making a donation of a little Angel Pocket, gowns and hats to our local hospital. This is where little Gemma Hope was born and where we received amazing comfort during an incredible challenging time. 

     It was heartbreaking when we were unable to buy a tiny dress for our precious daughter when she needed it most. When the nurses presented Gemma to us in a beautiful gown made by a generous volunteer our hearts were beyond grateful. She was so beautiful. Our hope is to bring that comfort to other parents in their time of need.

     We would like to invite you to join us in honoring Gemma Hope. In the links below you will find patterns for much need tiny gowns and angel pockets to make or buy. Your local hospital will surely welcome your donation. 

Knit Angel Pocket          Knit Preemie Hat 

Crochet Angel Pocket    Crochet Preemie Hat

Sewn Angel Pocket        Sewn Lily Wrap

Sewn Gown                               

 Gemma Hope's Dress Pattern (I will post a tutorial for this gown tomorrow)

 Gemma Hope's Crochet Pocket

If you want to make a donation, but might not have the time to handcraft an item. You can make a donation with the purchase of these wonderful Lily Wraps.

Lily Wraps

We love you so much baby girl. Now and forever.

With Love,

Rachel and Destry

For more information on how to volunteer:

Care Wear

The Preemie Project 

Mikayla's Grace

Chance's Clothes Project 

For those of you interested in donating to the hospital where Gemma Hope was born. Their Perinatal Loss Program is in immediate need of: Angel Pockets all sizes, little hats all sizes from golf ball and tennis ball size to bigger.

Send items to:

Kaiser Sunnyside Labor and Delivery
C/O Theresa Gibson
10180 SE Sunnyside Rd.
Clackamas OR 97015