So Perfect....Yet.......

Mama, 5 months, 1 day

Looking like a candy corn and feeling like eating candy corn.

(I feel much bigger than this picture make me look.)

18  weeks 

Little hands and cute cheeks.

20 weeks

Pretty, pretty face.

20 weeks

Profile with arms and hands.

I cried off and on all day before our big 20 week ultrasound appointment. We were going to find out if little Gemma Hope's heart was formed properly along with other organs. I just get a little anxious anticipating what we will find out at these appointment, yet I can't get enough information and facts about Gemma. I want to know everything about her whether it is good or bad.

We watched patiently as the technician did her job. Watching the red and blue flash on the screen not really knowing what any of it meant. Did blue mean bad, did red mean bad? Then she explained that red meant blood flow in and blue meant blood flow out of the heart. She then told us she did not see any obvious defects in Gemma's heart. The Dr. told us the same thing. Gemma has all of the indicators of healthy organs. Her brain, bladder, heart and kidney's. This was great news to us. They only bit of good news we have received in the past 5 months. 

We pray that Gemma's Hygroma and Hydrops will start to heal and go away everyday. Knowing for Gemma to grow and develop properly she needs to start getting better. This is not the week Gemma has begun her healing. Gemma's Hygroma has doubled in size in the past two weeks, her hydrops has taken over her chest cavity. Her heart is compressed and her lungs are tiny when they should fill her chest cavity. My amniotic fluid is less than it was two weeks ago. Despite my attempts to increase it by drinking tons of water. Turns out that does nothing unless you are really dehydrated. We saw all of this on the ultrasound screen. I never ask for those pictures. I don't have to. The image in ingrained in my brain forever. 

We believe we still have time for a miracle. Riding that wave between being realistic and being hopeful is a real crappy ride to be on. I am knitting a baby blanket and filling out my FMLA paper work  simultaneously just in case I find myself in the hospital at my next appointment.

I love Gemma and have loved her from the first second I knew about her. Then I loved her more. One day a wave came over me and I just fell in love with her. I just loved her all the way to the depths of my sole. I new right then and there that she was in me forever. That if something happened to her I would not be okay. That having her, loving her and loosing her would forever change me. I also know that I will be okay. That people go through really tough things and they are sad and they are okay, just different.

There was a time not long ago when I thought infertility was one of the worst things anyone could go through. Then I learned that it could get worse. So know matter what happens, I will always know that things could be worse. I won't make it hurt any less but I will be okay.

Babies First

Dr. Leigh must have communicated with Dr. Kennedy our confusion and displeasure with her bedside manner. Our last visit was a real pleasure. Dr. Kennedy sat down and took more time than she needed to with us. She even asked what we needed from her. I really just want to know the truth and the facts about our baby. She acknowledged that this must be so hard and that we were very brave. They know I will be asking for extra ultrasound pictures and took the time to get some special ones for us. Turns out they were even worse that last time. The pictures are barely recognizable and not charming in the least. She explained that the baby does not have as much amniotic fluid needed to swim around and get good feed back from the ultrasound. Great? I have been drinking tons of extra water and laying on my left side, doing everything possible to increase my fluid. At 19 weeks I am so close to being 5 months pregnant. I can't believe how fast the time is flying by and how amazing it is I have made it this far. Everyone keeps asking me if I feel the baby moving yet. I should be able to start feeling her any day now. While I have not, I am ever hopeful she is strong and able to move and I will feel her any time now.

I keeping thinking about the baby preparation I would have started doing by now but have been putting off until we "know more". Like painting the baby room, stroller shopping, crocheting her baby blanket and buying her little tiny clothes. Then I realized if did not do those things or buy her anything I would have real regrets if something happened to her. How sad I would be if I didn't have anything positive of her to reflect on. There is no going back now. My life is forever changed. No matter the outcome I will forever be the mother of little Gemma Hope. She is forever in my heart.

Destry and I agreed that we would buy her her first little outfit. We stopped at a little antique store while on a weekend drive. When I found this little vintage dress I new this would be our first baby purchase. I just fell in love with the pink and polk-a-dots. She probably won't even be able to wear it until she is two because she will be so tiny. I got tear in my eye when I made this purchase. I just could not help myself. That same weekend we found a fancy little baby boutique so we could get our hands on all the fancy strollers they have these days. We were surprised how lacking many of these strollers were and that there is only one real clear winner. To bad the colors are so lame. Seriously pale colors you know will get dirty right away. No deep plum, turquoise or deep apple green. I also took some time to order some skeins of wonderful soft cotton yarn so I could get started on her little blanket. One of my favorite things in the world is knitting and crocheting little baby items for my friends and family. Now that I can do that for my little baby I am not going to miss the opportunity.

Babies First Dress

Babies First Gifts from Grandma & Grandpa